Anger, Anger, Everywhere

It still comes back. With such a force it can just overtake me. It did today.

I think the thing that surprises me the most is that when it does come and it can come for many different and varied places, it eventually grows and zeros in on my husband.

I get frustrated over things in my life, and I can easily hop down the trail to the point where he chose to molest which turned our lives upside down. I think this time my anger started because I was beginning to feel like I had to hold my tongue and not say things. And this is not a good sign. I would love to say that we had an absolutely perfect marriage before this happened, but honestly – who can really say that? We all have our issues.

One of the things that are frustrating to me about my husband and I's relationship is his judgment of people. My husband can be VERY black and white in his thinking without a lot of grey area. I think one of the nice things that happened when this came out is that he became very humble. I see that starting to turn now and it scares me. I don't want him to go back to that judgmental person. The first reason is that I become the one he judges the most.

This has been rearing its ugly little head in little ways the last few weeks to a month. I think my anger today is really an accumulation of tiny little things during that time period that I just kept biting my tongue about. But they do have that accumulative effect.

I know now that I have to first get with the Lord. For only He can truly release me from this anger. I have to say I yelled today, I swore today, I hung up on my husband (more than once). I have reached the point where I am sorry for my behavior – it took most of the day to get there. I have gone to the Lord and repented. Now I have to go to my husband and repent to him. I am going to do that after the kids go to bed.

Here is the problem I am struggling with now. The issues. Because I truly believe that repentance is about saying you are sorry – without excuse. So I can't call him up and say I'm sorry I was angry, but you did this and that and this. It does not work that way. So again, I am going to the Lord.

Learning to Protect My Children from Sexual Abuse

I have 5 children ages 24, 17, 12, and 6 year old twins. With my older children, the “specific thought” of protecting my children from sexual abuse never entered my mind. Even though I had been abused myself as a child; I think there was part of me that still could not give myself complete absolution from it being my fault. Clearly I still felt on some level that I was to blame in some way and that is why men that I knew and who lived in my parents safe world could molest me. As a parent – this makes my world safe – because my children were innocent and hence would be safe. And the world I chose to live in as an adult did not include sex offenders. My parent’s world had alcoholics in it – I was living in a church world and no one would ever touch my innocent children. Hence all was safe in my world.

So 4 years ago, when my safe world was blow apart by finding out that my step-father had molested my daughter – I still boxed it in. He was a sick man. I certainly knew he had many problems – I never took the leap that his problems included molesting children – remember that does not happen in my world. But after I found out, I removed the molester from having any contact with my children. There. Safe world again. Thank God. If you had asked me at that point in my life what was the worst thing that could ever happen to a woman it was to find out that her child had been molested.

Then a year ago, a bomb went off in my world again – only it was much closer to home. When it was my husband doing the molesting, it rocked my world. This was the man that had walked through the horror with me of finding out our child had been molested. He raged, he cried, he was protective; he did everything you would want a Dad to do. Never - ever - ever did it enter my mind that my husband – the one I loved, the one who God had sent to heal my own wounds, the father to my children, my life-long partner, would ever do ANYTHING like that. But he did. And of course now I know there is something even worse that finding out your child has been molested by an extended family member.

Now as you can imagine – no one is considered a safe adult in my world. OK let’s get gut level honest here; I mistrust men more than women. You cannot blame me because of all I have been through. When my youngest daughter Mae was struggling and missing her Dad so much, someone suggested maybe getting her a big brother of sorts. They knew me and my situation well and suggested maybe someone from church, etc. I want you to know I went through the process of wondering who I would hand my innocent 6 year old daughter over to and allow them to spend time with her. OK – no one. Nothing personal – no one. Not one person – ever. Not even the Pastor or the President of the United States. There was not one male in the entire world getting alone time with my daughter. It was my husband and the man I trusted most in the world who molested my other daughter - I know you get where I am coming from and now I can tell you my thinking at that moment was starting to get healthy about protecting my children.

Which brings me to the present; in building this web-site and looking for other sites that I could recommend from here, I looked up www.Darkness2Light.org once again. While there, I saw they had an online class about protecting our children and although I attended an educational group locally to help me chaperone my husband with my children, I am also aware there are many women in the United States and around the world in my position who have no such classes. So I wanted to take this class to see if it would be good for them.

This class was very empowering. OK – do you know the statistics? I did not. I want you take a minute and write down the names of 10 children you know – four girls and 6 boys. Add your children’s names to the mix, friends of your children, your nieces and nephews. Got them? OK – now which 2 is it? Do you know? Can you figure it out? Because statistically one of the girls and one of those boys on that list will be molested by the age of 18. One in four girls and one in six boys! It is an epidemic! Those figures are staggering! Those figures are scary. And I want to make sure that my younger children do not become one of those statistics!

In hind sight with my step-father – all of the signs were there. He spent years grooming my daughter before he molested her. I did not even know the word grooming then. If you don’t know it now – get over to that site and take that class.
My answer to the question of who would I give one on one alone time with my daughter – was completely healthy and dead on! Just simply removing one on one alone time with any adults and your children drastically reduces the chances of them being molested!

I do not see all of the grooming signs with my husband and daughter, but am also perfectly willing to say that I may be just too close to that situation and have not reached that point in my healing yet. Don’t worry – I will get there. But it doesn’t matter if I ever do, because in my world any person is a potential child molester and it is my responsibility to give my children a safe environment.

I love the Darkness 2 Light approach. They talk about the fact that as a society, we really are focusing on teaching our children to protect themselves – but we are not focusing on educating the adults.

Here are some other statistics they cite beyond the 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys:

Less than 1 in 10 children who are molested will tell someone they were abused.

34% of those children will be molested by a family member

59% of those children will be molested by a close friend or acquaintance

The median age of those children is 9 years old.

Their take is that this is happening frequently enough to suggest that it is being passively accepted and even overlooked.

I count myself in that passive group in the past. I am passive no longer.

They talk about becoming consciously aware of the facts, choosing to passionately create a safe environment for our children, empowering ourselves to take action, even if we don’t know the outcome – it is better to err on the side of caution.

They also talk about relentless compassion. They insistence on accountability – holding perpetrators accountable for the effects on children and our communities – and doing that with compassion. (Read an interesting story of hope in one neighborhood here: http://stopitnow.com/community_member )

I was an empowering life changing class! I think everyone who has access to children should take it. I know I am glad I did.

K

Heartbroken

My heart is so heavy. We went Wednesday for an ultrasound to make sure there were not twins and there was no heartbeat. My daughter is crushed. Her boyfriend is crushed. I am just in Mommy protect and care mode – unable to even deal with my own feelings.

I am not going to share much today, as a Mom, I would do anything to spare my daughter this pain. She has just been through way too much for her short 17 years. I know God has a plan in all things. They believe the baby had Down Syndrome from the ultrasound, and I cannot imagine a single teenage Mom parenting a special needs child.

If you are a praying person, please pray for God's healing presence.

Thank-you,

K

Love Is Patient

Aaaauuuugggghhhhh!

Ok – patience is not my strong point at the moment. Have I told you my 17 year old daughter is pregnant? My patience is being stretched – greatly stretched.

I realized this morning that I am so angry with her on so many levels that I am not even being an effective parent to her. I think I am past being angry over her being pregnant, but what I am being angry over is her not taking care of herself – and hence not taking care of the baby. I just want to scream at her every time she is making poor choices 'you are just proving you are not mature enough to be a parent!!!!!!!!'

But I can't do that. I need to be supportive and helpful and put away this anger. I began reading the book "The Love Dare" this morning. I am reading it for my marriage, but it hit more on my relationship with my daughter today.

Day One is: Love Is Patient

"Be completely humble and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love."
Ephesians 4:2 NIV

"Anger is usually caused when the strong desire for something is mixed with disappointment or grief."
The Love Dare p2.

I am disappointed that she is not taking care of herself. I really want her to take care of herself because it will show me she is grown up enough to have a baby. I was pregnant at 18 and yet I chose to take good care of myself. It is very frustrating for me watching her. She is not eating right – skipping meals – eating junk (in the name of cravings) when she does eat. She is choosing to go and hang out at her boyfriend's house where there are 4 smokers in a trailer. I want to shake her I want to scream at her. I know I can't do that, but I am not being any better by my attitude and words because my anger is slipping out every time I talk to her.

Patience is about responding positively in a negative situation. I know I can do this. It is clear to me that my anger is driving a wedge between us right now, that it is not helping either of us. I need to get this anger out of me so I can be helpful to her and the baby. If I continue to drive the wedge deeper she may leave my home and then I will not have any influence. I don't want that to happen.

I think part of my anger is she is not doing what I did. We had such similar issues growing up – we were both molested – we both got pregnant early, etc. But that does not mean she is going to react in the exact same way as I did.

    "Patience helps give your spouse permission to be human. It understands that everyone fails. When a mistake is made, it chooses to give them more time than they deserve to correct it. It gives you the ability to hold on during the tough times in your relationship rather than bailing out under the pressure." The Love Dare p2.

This is what I want in my life in all relationships, both with my husband, and my children. It is hard for me. I tend to be one who loses my patience. I fly off the handle, get angry. Lord help me with this. Each day in "The Love Dare" book there is a dare. Today's dare is to resolve to possess and demonstrate patience. More than just biting my tongue, I need to take a deep breath, seek patience and wisdom, and bring mercy to the table. Which of course is easier said than done.

I know that first; I need to apologize to my daughter. I think I might just read the first chapter of "The Love Dare" book with her. We have not done devotions together in a while. Maybe we could both take this book and use it in all of the relationships in our lives. I so want to be connected to her, loving her, and supporting her through this. In order to do that I have to set my anger aside and have patience in this relationship. She is too immature to be a parent. Which means it is my job to rise above, supporting her in the areas that she needs help, letting her run in the areas she is competent in, having the wisdom to know the difference in those areas.

Twenty years ago I knew a woman who was HIV positive. She had a baby who was born HIV positive as well. She did not have custody of that baby for quite a while. I remember watching the foster Mom with the two of them and being in awe. The foster Mom allowed my friend to be the Mom of that baby. She never showed judgment. She had all patience. She allowed the Mom to be the Mom when she could, but was always there in the background, ready to pick up and care for the baby whenever needed. I recognized the incredible art form it was then. She was selfless, patient, kind, loving. I need to give this gift to my daughter. I need to let her be the Mom, picking up every piece (with patience) that she drops, supporting her and allowing her to grow into the role of being a wonderful mother. Lord help me, for I know one thing at the moment – I will never succeed at this without Your help.