Remembering 9 11

I can't ever imagine not taking a moment on this day and remembering where I was.

I was at work - I ran a photo lab. I was setting and printing pictures and listening to the radio. The lab was in a larger photography and computer store. I always listened to the radio while I worked. When they broke in and started to describe everything - it was kind of unreal. I called out and said for people to come listen. My work space was tiny - it was taken up by lots of photo machinery. Everyone in the store, staff and customers alike crammed in my lab and listened to the radio with me in complete silence. I remember when the second building came down - we were shocked - scared. My boss who owned the store - his son worked in the twin towers. He was one of the many spared that day - he was sick. But it took my boss hours to hear because of course the cell phones weren't working.

I didn't live far from the store, so I ran home and grabbed a tiny TV with rabbit ears. As I drove home I started to sob - calling out to the Lord - I said 'forgive us Lord - forgive us Lord forgive us Lord' - our pride as a Nation - our sin as a nation. I knew our world would never be the same I just wasn't sure in that moment how much it would change.

I brought the TV back to the store and we had it on all day. It barely came in - it was such a snowy picture - but we all still gathered around it and watched in horror as the story unfolded.

I went home early that day to meet my children from school. My son who was 17 marched in with the papers from the recruiter. He had always planned on going into the Marines - he said I want you to sign today - the recruiter is coming tonight Mom - I'm going in early. My heart stopped. You see it was perfectly fine before that day for him to join the Marines - but that day I changed my mind. Before it was discipline - an education - a maturing. Now it could mean death.

That recruiter came to my house that night. I did not sign the papers. I made my son finish high school. But that recruiter did say words that helped me to face my son going into the Marines better. He said today that my world changed - because it happened in my own back yard. But the world had not changed. Things like this had been happening all over the world in other people's back yards for a long time - and the Marines had been there. It just was real to me now.

He was right.

My heart still breaks every time I hear of another service man dieing - he is someones baby - just like my son. Thankfully my son served, spent his time in Iraq, and lived. He still refuses to talk about it. I know he traveled - in convoys - going house to house, town to town and saw many terrible things. I don't push him - I just pray for him and thank God he made it home safely.

Today I pray again - for our Nation - forgive us Lord. That although for a time we came together - we prayed - we repented - we loved each other - we were sorry. But we have moved on. I pray for the families who lost loved ones on that day. I pray for the families who are still sending their sons into battle and still having some come home in boxes. I cannot imagine that pain. Only you Holy Spirit can comfort them in that time. I send you Holy Spirit today to all those that are in pain that you could be the one that gives peace that passes all understanding.

Please Lord help us as a Nation to turn back to God.

Where were you on that day? What are your prayers for our Nation today?

K

Parenting a wounded child

My daughter has been so wounded in her life, she is so hard to parent. Most of the time I feel completely un-equipped to be a good parent to her. First - she is a girl - a teenage girl - WITH hormones. That in and of itself is a very difficult thing. When you add the fact that she has been molested by 2 very important men in her life - it is devastating.

She came home yesterday and shared she is 'flunking' French - OK she has gone to school for a total of 4 days - how can she be flunking already!?!? Here is the problem with my dd and school though -she is very smart. Which means things come really easy to her. So when she finds something hard, she does not have the skills to buckle down and work hard to learn something.

She crawled into bed this morning and I tried lovingly to explain this to her. Yesterday she just wanted to quit French - and try Spanish - rather than to figure out a way to learn French. (She took French I two years ago so there is a year lapse between French I & French II - hence the struggling). I think she perceives getting help as a weakness too and when she is just starting back at school and worried about what people think of her, etc. - my heart is breaking.

When she feels bad about herself she goes on the attack mode and takes these huge emotional swings. Like the 'I'll just quit French because I'm struggling' - rather than trying to get any help. If you push her in that moment she just feels cornered and you can't get anything through. Hence I hope snuggling with her this morning when she is not defensive and explaining what I think the problem is - might be a better tactic.

OK - it didn't hurt that after the French conversation she asked to go to the football game on Friday night and I might have said - sure - if you talk to your French teacher and figure out a way to get tutoring or some kind of plan to get you up to speed in class. It is good to have leverage. But you can't have too much leverage - oh the tightrope of parenting a wounded teenage girl.

Pray for me!

K

Shame, Shame, Shame

The bus just drove down the street leaving me, the dog, and a whole lot of wonderful quiet in my house. Don't get me wrong I love my children, but being a single parent is hard! I now have three blissfully quiet hours before I have to be at work and quite honestly I am unsure what to do with myself. My first reaction is to furiously clean - my second is to turn on some worship music and just dance around the house - because I can! I probably will do both!

It is great to watch my kids be excited about school. Life does go on. Children are resilient - even though of course our best hope is that they never have to be.

Shame - this is what I want to write about today. My husband and I occasionally go out and get groceries together, go to diner, etc. Every once in a while I am overwhelmed with a feeling of being ashamed to be seen with him. Wondering what people will think. Will they judge me for my choice to continue to stay with him? Actually I know they will - I have already experienced it.

It is incredibly startling to me when this feeling shows up. I wish that I did not worry what other people think. I wish that I only worried about what God thinks of me - not people. But honestly it happens to me. Only when we are out and about. It never happens when it is just he and I alone.

I am pondering why this is happening to me. I feel good about my decision - I believe it is truly what God wants me to do, but if that is so - why the shame? I am almost ashamed to admit out loud that I am feeling it. It feels mean to my husband - I am sure it would crush him if he knew and he would never go in public again with me. Is it just because I have already experienced the cruelty of people's opinions of sex offenders? Will it go away? I know the cruelty won't but will my feeling go away? I don't like feeling this way.

Not sure what else to say - but I guess I just needed to say it out loud. Or at least type it out loud.

k