My pool, at midnight, in the dark, in the silence.
I was restless in bed. My back was in spasm, and I just couldn't seem to still myself to get to sleep. So finally at midnight I got up, got on my suit, and got into my pool. I haven't been swimming in the dark in quite a while. It was so peaceful, so still. There were no sounds accept the lone call of a train whistle in the distance.
I started to pray, calling on the Lord. Reaching out to Him with my words and my spirit. I called on my Jesus to come and be with me. I wanted time with Him. One on one time. I didn't want to sing to Him, read about Him, pray to Him, talk about Him.
I wanted to be with Him. Just me and Him. Alone. I wanted to experience His peace with Him.
The presence of the Lord is the most incredible thing in this universe. It is so healing, so comforting, and I'm not sure I can even find all the right words.
I am so grateful for my Lord.
K
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Monday, July 7, 2008
The Silent Scream
I am screaming inside..... it is a high pitched piercing scream filled with gut wrenching pain and it goes on and on and on.
But nothing comes out. I go about my day, taking care of the the kids, cleaning the house, smiling to the lady at the checkout counter, bantering with the man in line behind me.
But inside, the pain, the hole, it is black, it is gaping, it is bottomless. I feel like I should be covered from head to toe in blood. If I were, people would notice. They would see the damage that has happened when the bomb went off blowing my families lives to bits.
My son cries, real tears, sobbing. There are no answers. There is no kissing it and making it feel better. There is no saying "Daddy will be home soon". Daddy will not be home soon. Daddy can't even visit. Daddy isn't even allowed to pick him up and hug him. Daddy can't even give him a kiss. Daddy can't even just let him sit on his lap and let him lay his little head on Daddy's shoulder and cry. There is no contact like that with supervised visits.
I can't scream - but thankfully I can write. I sound awful don't I? I am mad. I am sad. But I will continue on. God will fill this hole. He hears me scream. He hears me scream in anger. He hears me scream in pain. He sees the tears I let fall when I am alone with only Him.
What do people in pain do without God? I don't know. I am strong still. I can be angry and strong. I can be sad and strong. I can be strong and cry at the same time. They can happen simultaneously. I can admit that I am in pain and still have faith in God. He must get angry. He must cry. He must be sad and in pain at the things that happen in His world at a much deeper level than I can ever experience. And yet He is still God. Strong as ever. I am made in His image which makes me strong as well.
I needed to find another picture of complete abandon in worshiping and leaning on God. I found this one. I love the sky behind it. In the midst of the storm you can still reach out to God in complete abandon, complete trust, complete faith, that He will be there.
But nothing comes out. I go about my day, taking care of the the kids, cleaning the house, smiling to the lady at the checkout counter, bantering with the man in line behind me.
But inside, the pain, the hole, it is black, it is gaping, it is bottomless. I feel like I should be covered from head to toe in blood. If I were, people would notice. They would see the damage that has happened when the bomb went off blowing my families lives to bits.
My son cries, real tears, sobbing. There are no answers. There is no kissing it and making it feel better. There is no saying "Daddy will be home soon". Daddy will not be home soon. Daddy can't even visit. Daddy isn't even allowed to pick him up and hug him. Daddy can't even give him a kiss. Daddy can't even just let him sit on his lap and let him lay his little head on Daddy's shoulder and cry. There is no contact like that with supervised visits.
I can't scream - but thankfully I can write. I sound awful don't I? I am mad. I am sad. But I will continue on. God will fill this hole. He hears me scream. He hears me scream in anger. He hears me scream in pain. He sees the tears I let fall when I am alone with only Him.
What do people in pain do without God? I don't know. I am strong still. I can be angry and strong. I can be sad and strong. I can be strong and cry at the same time. They can happen simultaneously. I can admit that I am in pain and still have faith in God. He must get angry. He must cry. He must be sad and in pain at the things that happen in His world at a much deeper level than I can ever experience. And yet He is still God. Strong as ever. I am made in His image which makes me strong as well.
I needed to find another picture of complete abandon in worshiping and leaning on God. I found this one. I love the sky behind it. In the midst of the storm you can still reach out to God in complete abandon, complete trust, complete faith, that He will be there.
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