Anger, Anger, Everywhere

It still comes back. With such a force it can just overtake me. It did today.

I think the thing that surprises me the most is that when it does come and it can come for many different and varied places, it eventually grows and zeros in on my husband.

I get frustrated over things in my life, and I can easily hop down the trail to the point where he chose to molest which turned our lives upside down. I think this time my anger started because I was beginning to feel like I had to hold my tongue and not say things. And this is not a good sign. I would love to say that we had an absolutely perfect marriage before this happened, but honestly – who can really say that? We all have our issues.

One of the things that are frustrating to me about my husband and I's relationship is his judgment of people. My husband can be VERY black and white in his thinking without a lot of grey area. I think one of the nice things that happened when this came out is that he became very humble. I see that starting to turn now and it scares me. I don't want him to go back to that judgmental person. The first reason is that I become the one he judges the most.

This has been rearing its ugly little head in little ways the last few weeks to a month. I think my anger today is really an accumulation of tiny little things during that time period that I just kept biting my tongue about. But they do have that accumulative effect.

I know now that I have to first get with the Lord. For only He can truly release me from this anger. I have to say I yelled today, I swore today, I hung up on my husband (more than once). I have reached the point where I am sorry for my behavior – it took most of the day to get there. I have gone to the Lord and repented. Now I have to go to my husband and repent to him. I am going to do that after the kids go to bed.

Here is the problem I am struggling with now. The issues. Because I truly believe that repentance is about saying you are sorry – without excuse. So I can't call him up and say I'm sorry I was angry, but you did this and that and this. It does not work that way. So again, I am going to the Lord.