So we have limped along. I live in a neighborhood right now – with kids, a park, etc. I have stayed fairly isolated here (my choice). I do not invite children or anyone to come to my home – because my husband comes here. But my kids are getting older and they want friends over. I let one of the neighborhood girls come to my home a few weeks ago. My husband was not here at the time – I would never let children come to my house when he was here.
Every morning, the children from our street come to our driveway to wait for the bus. This week a girl from all the way down at the end of the street now comes to my driveway because all the other children are here. So now I have 3 neighborhood children who come and wait in my driveway each day for the bus with my own two.
I started walking my dog after the bus leaves with two of the neighborhood Mom's a couple of weeks ago. When the kids get on the bus we all come out of our house and walk around the neighborhood together.
Because my husband does not live here, he is not listed on the registry for this neighborhood. He just comes and visits me and the children here. I fell apart today when I saw the third girl in the neighborhood end up in my driveway to wait for the bus. We are not breaking any technical rules. My husband stays in the house with the door locked. He doesn't even go to the door and look out – he sits in the living room until the bus has picked up the kids. He has permission to be here the children are never in his presence - they are out in the driveway waiting for the bus.
I feel like I am breaking my own moral code. I feel like I am lying – to the women I walk the dogs with – to the parents who now have children who wait in front of my house for the bus. I feel like they will hate me if they find out. And I feel like I should tell them. I feel in limbo right now. On some level it feels like it would be better to just go to these people and tell them – get it over with. I know if I was in their shoes I would hate me if I found out that someone had allowed it and did not say anything. But then I have not told my own children what he has done – what if these parents tell their children. They will tell my children. Walking with them starts to build relationship - and every day that we build more relationship it will hurt all the more when they hate me for when they find out I am married to a child molester.
I HATE the life I am living. There are no happily ever afters. If I stay with my husband there will always be people who hate him, and me and my children for being with him. If I leave my husband – my children go through a divorce and see their father even less than they do now. Not to mention we have promised them all through this that Daddy would come home one day. In the meantime I am just feeling completely stressed – pulled by my husband – pulled by my children – completely unsure what to do and feeling like I have come to a crossroads and need to make some sort of decision and there is no easy path to take.
My husband and I got in a fight today. He was mad and said that he does not have any place of priority in my life. I drove away and cried in my car over and over saying `I didn't do anything wrong, I didn't do anything wrong , finally screaming at no one and everyone I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!!" And it doesn't matter – my life has been forever changed by what he did. It is very frustrating to deal with the consequences of someone else's actions.
Sooooooo, would you tell the parents surrounding you?