Worship was incredible this morning at church. Finally I found a place to get away from the pain. It was just me and the Lord. My heart was so filled.
My daughter is coming home for a one week visit on Saturday. I am pretty nervous. She is somewhat judge-mental about me and my parenting of her brother and sister. She doesn't think I can handle them alone.
Well - don't tell her, but there are moments I completely agree with her. But then I try to remind myself that I only have to be a 'good enough' Mom. Not a perfect Mom. So I think the thing I am most nervous about is how in the world can I pull off being a perfect Mom for seven days while she scrutinizes my every move. I don't know if I am blowing this out of proportion or not.
Our relationship has been so rocky for so long. I long for the days when she was a little girl and we were bonded and loving and she told me everything. I wonder if we will be able to heal our relationship even just a little before she comes home for good from her school. I want to heal our relationship. I want to change how I interact with her.
Well I am going to continue to rest in my wonderful peace tonight. Just for today I have every single thing I need in my life. My God has supplied it all. Thank-you Lord.
K
Sunday, April 13, 2008
I Can't seem to run from the pain
I'm trying - any way I can. It is always there. Just under the surface. Lurking. Waiting for just the right moment to rise up again and start the tears streaming down.
Fear. I am truly unable to even look at the future. I am desperate to have back the life that was torn from me. And it will never happen. The security I had in my life is gone. It will never be the same. In a moment in time all of my hopes, dreams, plans were blown to pieces.
Anger. What was he thinking?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I could scream it out to the universe - the question of all questions. What was he thinking? How could he hurt her this way. Not just her - all of us. It is so huge the whole that is left after the bomb blew up our family. It is a cavern that cannot be filled in. It is something you have to walk away from because there is nothing left there to even begin to rebuild. You have to move on to a different place, build a different life.
How will I do this? I am so overwhelmed with my life. Everything just seems so huge. I have no choice accept to survive. But the pain of surviving. It is intense.
I will run to bed now and watch TV until I fall asleep. I don't want even a minute of lying in bed facing any of this in the darkness. I will escape into a TV show until sleep overcomes me.
Tomorrow is another day.
K
Fear. I am truly unable to even look at the future. I am desperate to have back the life that was torn from me. And it will never happen. The security I had in my life is gone. It will never be the same. In a moment in time all of my hopes, dreams, plans were blown to pieces.
Anger. What was he thinking?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I could scream it out to the universe - the question of all questions. What was he thinking? How could he hurt her this way. Not just her - all of us. It is so huge the whole that is left after the bomb blew up our family. It is a cavern that cannot be filled in. It is something you have to walk away from because there is nothing left there to even begin to rebuild. You have to move on to a different place, build a different life.
How will I do this? I am so overwhelmed with my life. Everything just seems so huge. I have no choice accept to survive. But the pain of surviving. It is intense.
I will run to bed now and watch TV until I fall asleep. I don't want even a minute of lying in bed facing any of this in the darkness. I will escape into a TV show until sleep overcomes me.
Tomorrow is another day.
K
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