tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40414862643174763602024-02-02T10:45:26.055-05:00There is Beauty in the BreakingA place to share as I heal through learning that my husband molested my daughter.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041486264317476360.post-77651118059944235132010-03-12T20:15:00.002-05:002010-03-12T20:21:41.466-05:00Living A Lie<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">It has been two years since I found out about my husband. We separated immediately, but I was willing to walk through this mess, not divorce him, wait and see what God would have me do. I believe God can heal my marriage and my family, but all parties have to be willing to get on their knees and cry out to him in all humbleness.<br /><br />So we have limped along. I live in a neighborhood right now – with kids, a park, etc. I have stayed fairly isolated here (my choice). I do not invite children or anyone to come to my home – because my husband comes here. But my kids are getting older and they want friends over. I let one of the neighborhood girls come to my home a few weeks ago. My husband was not here at the time – I would never let children come to my house when he was here.<br /><br />Every morning, the children from our street come to our driveway to wait for the bus. This week a girl from all the way down at the end of the street now comes to my driveway because all the other children are here. So now I have 3 neighborhood children who come and wait in my driveway each day for the bus with my own two.<br /><br />I started walking my dog after the bus leaves with two of the neighborhood Mom's a couple of weeks ago. When the kids get on the bus we all come out of our house and walk around the neighborhood together.<br /><br />Because my husband does not live here, he is not listed on the registry for this neighborhood. He just comes and visits me and the children here. I fell apart today when I saw the third girl in the neighborhood end up in my driveway to wait for the bus. We are not breaking any technical rules. My husband stays in the house with the door locked. He doesn't even go to the door and look out – he sits in the living room until the bus has picked up the kids. He has permission to be here the children are never in his presence - they are out in the driveway waiting for the bus.<br /><br />I feel like I am breaking my own moral code. I feel like I am lying – to the women I walk the dogs with – to the parents who now have children who wait in front of my house for the bus. I feel like they will hate me if they find out. And I feel like I should tell them. I feel in limbo right now. On some level it feels like it would be better to just go to these people and tell them – get it over with. I know if I was in their shoes I would hate me if I found out that someone had allowed it and did not say anything. But then I have not told my own children what he has done – what if these parents tell their children. They will tell my children. Walking with them starts to build relationship - and every day that we build more relationship it will hurt all the more when they hate me for when they find out I am married to a child molester.<br /><br />I HATE the life I am living. There are no happily ever afters. If I stay with my husband there will always be people who hate him, and me and my children for being with him. If I leave my husband – my children go through a divorce and see their father even less than they do now. Not to mention we have promised them all through this that Daddy would come home one day. In the meantime I am just feeling completely stressed – pulled by my husband – pulled by my children – completely unsure what to do and feeling like I have come to a crossroads and need to make some sort of decision and there is no easy path to take.<br /><br />My husband and I got in a fight today. He was mad and said that he does not have any place of priority in my life. I drove away and cried in my car over and over saying `I didn't do anything wrong, I didn't do anything wrong , finally screaming at no one and everyone I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!!" And it doesn't matter – my life has been forever changed by what he did. It is very frustrating to deal with the consequences of someone else's actions.<br /><br />Sooooooo, would you tell the parents surrounding you?</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; "><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">K</span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041486264317476360.post-37323623296954885972009-12-14T23:00:00.002-05:002009-12-14T23:34:02.105-05:00Why Wives Stand By Husbands Who MolestGod.<br /><br />That is the short answer - now here is a medium size answer.<br /><br />The whole answer would be huge and well it is late. But I will spend a little time today on this. I checked my web stats today and I always like to look at what people are searching for in Google to find me. And basically the title of today's blog entry is what someone typed in to find my site.<br /><br />My first thought is who is typing this in to Google - is it a wife like me? Has she just found out? Is it a friend to a wife who has decided to stay? A relative? Sadly, the part that is probably most accurate is that in one way or another, someone has found out that someone they know has molested. Or someone they know was molested. It is devastating, no matter who you are. It rocks your world. It rocks your faith. It rocks your emotions. You lose trust in humanity because 9 chances out of 10 you did not see this coming.<br /><br />So why stay with what someone who most people will label a monster? I don't have all the answers. I don't know if we will stay together forever. I am 1.5 years out from finding out my husband molested my daughter. I feel like I am finally out of shock. Which in some ways makes his behavior more shocking than ever.<br /><br />I would like to say we are moving forward and healing wonderfully. We are not. It is a very painful road to walk no matter what your choice about your husband. For me personally - I believe I am supposed to stay with my husband. But I like to call myself a fruit inspector. I keep looking, judging, trying to discern, praying for God to reveal all. I ALWAYS protect my children. There will NEVER EVER be one on one alone time with my children with anyone. Certainly not my husband. I know that God can heal all wounds. He can heal marriages. I do believe He can do that. What I can't tell you for certain at this moment is if He will choose to heal our marriage.<br /><br />The good news is - God is healing me. I have come a long way in this time and there is absolutely NO other explanation than God. I was singing this Christmas song today "Where Are You Christmas" sung by Faith Hill from the Grinch Stole Christmas Movie.<br /><br />For me in the song, Christmas and Christ are interchangeable. Last year I would listen to this song and try to sing and sink to my knees sobbing, begging God to come back to me, to please, please, please, let me feel Him in my heart again. The emptiness I felt inside me was bottomless. I barely could go through the movements of Christmas enough to even get a tree up for my kids. It was the worst Christmas of my life.<br /><br />Today as I sang the song, I was able to concentrate on the part where she find Christmas again and realizes that Christmas had never left her at all. And that is the story of the last year. God never left me, and I'm not sure I really left God, as much as I ached, raged, questioned, and just plain felt devoid of my faith in God at times. I know that old poem was real. If I could look behind me to see if I left footprints on the path I walked in the last year - there would only be one set, for Jesus truly carried me this last year. I would like to think that I am actually walking on my own two feet now. I would be there tucked inside the shadow of His Wings. Holding very tightly to Him for I want to be as close to Him as possible staying on the path He has chosen for me.<br /><br />So, does that answer you? Probably not. But just for today - I am where I am supposed to be. I am going to walk out my life in faith, even when reality does not match what I know God can do. It doesn't make me in denial, it just means I have faith with a very healthy dose of understanding who my husband is, what he has done, what he could do again. I love him with all my heart. I pray I have forgiven Him, although something my Pastor said a few weeks ago has been reverberating in my soul, so I feel I need to look at forgiveness again. Yep - again. How many times can you study, pray, and ruminate on forgiveness - evidently until you get it right! LOL!<br /><br />I pray that at this very moment, you are finding a speck of peace in your world. I know you aren't reading my blog and looking at my site for fun. So know that I pray for the people who find me here. You - I am praying right now for you, asking God to meet you here in your pain, in your questions, in your anger, in your shock, or where ever you may be at this very moment. You can email me and I do write back.<br /><br />If you want a place to give voice to your life, then check out my stories page. I will print things anonymously for you. The place on my site I would point you to the most is the Yahoo Support group. It is powerful and healing to find other women who are facing the same thing. And know that some have stayed, some have left, some husbands are in jail, some are not. There are many women, who sadly have the same beginning, but all who have chosen their own path. The best part is all paths are supported there.<br /><br />Be blessed,<br />KUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041486264317476360.post-89924071444205815182009-02-24T03:04:00.001-05:002009-02-24T03:04:52.706-05:00Anger, Anger, Everywhere<span xmlns=''><p>It still comes back. With such a force it can just overtake me. It did today.<br /></p><p>I think the thing that surprises me the most is that when it does come and it can come for many different and varied places, it eventually grows and zeros in on my husband.<br /></p><p>I get frustrated over things in my life, and I can easily hop down the trail to the point where he chose to molest which turned our lives upside down. I think this time my anger started because I was beginning to feel like I had to hold my tongue and not say things. And this is not a good sign. I would love to say that we had an absolutely perfect marriage before this happened, but honestly – who can really say that? We all have our issues.<br /></p><p>One of the things that are frustrating to me about my husband and I's relationship is his judgment of people. My husband can be VERY black and white in his thinking without a lot of grey area. I think one of the nice things that happened when this came out is that he became very humble. I see that starting to turn now and it scares me. I don't want him to go back to that judgmental person. The first reason is that I become the one he judges the most.<br /></p><p>This has been rearing its ugly little head in little ways the last few weeks to a month. I think my anger today is really an accumulation of tiny little things during that time period that I just kept biting my tongue about. But they do have that accumulative effect.<br /></p><p>I know now that I have to first get with the Lord. For only He can truly release me from this anger. I have to say I yelled today, I swore today, I hung up on my husband (more than once). I have reached the point where I am sorry for my behavior – it took most of the day to get there. I have gone to the Lord and repented. Now I have to go to my husband and repent to him. I am going to do that after the kids go to bed.<br /></p><p>Here is the problem I am struggling with now. The issues. Because I truly believe that repentance is about saying you are sorry – without excuse. So I can't call him up and say I'm sorry I was angry, but you did this and that and this. It does not work that way. So again, I am going to the Lord. </p></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041486264317476360.post-19782578653734829262009-02-19T09:45:00.003-05:002009-02-19T19:50:48.618-05:00Learning to Protect My Children from Sexual AbuseI have 5 children ages 24, 17, 12, and 6 year old twins. With my older children, the “specific thought” of protecting my children from sexual abuse never entered my mind. Even though I had been abused myself as a child; I think there was part of me that still could not give myself complete absolution from it being my fault. Clearly I still felt on some level that I was to blame in some way and that is why men that I knew and who lived in my parents safe world could molest me. As a parent – this makes my world safe – because my children were innocent and hence would be safe. And the world I chose to live in as an adult did not include sex offenders. My parent’s world had alcoholics in it – I was living in a church world and no one would ever touch my innocent children. Hence all was safe in my world.<br /><br />So 4 years ago, when my safe world was blow apart by finding out that my step-father had molested my daughter – I still boxed it in. He was a sick man. I certainly knew he had many problems – I never took the leap that his problems included molesting children – remember that does not happen in my world. But after I found out, I removed the molester from having any contact with my children. There. Safe world again. Thank God. If you had asked me at that point in my life what was the worst thing that could ever happen to a woman it was to find out that her child had been molested.<br /><br />Then a year ago, a bomb went off in my world again – only it was much closer to home. When it was my husband doing the molesting, it rocked my world. This was the man that had walked through the horror with me of finding out our child had been molested. He raged, he cried, he was protective; he did everything you would want a Dad to do. Never - ever - ever did it enter my mind that my husband – the one I loved, the one who God had sent to heal my own wounds, the father to my children, my life-long partner, would ever do ANYTHING like that. But he did. And of course now I know there is something even worse that finding out your child has been molested by an extended family member.<br /><br />Now as you can imagine – no one is considered a safe adult in my world. OK let’s get gut level honest here; I mistrust men more than women. You cannot blame me because of all I have been through. When my youngest daughter Mae was struggling and missing her Dad so much, someone suggested maybe getting her a big brother of sorts. They knew me and my situation well and suggested maybe someone from church, etc. I want you to know I went through the process of wondering who I would hand my innocent 6 year old daughter over to and allow them to spend time with her. OK – no one. Nothing personal – no one. Not one person – ever. Not even the Pastor or the President of the United States. There was not one male in the entire world getting alone time with my daughter. It was my husband and the man I trusted most in the world who molested my other daughter - I know you get where I am coming from and now I can tell you my thinking at that moment was starting to get healthy about protecting my children.<br /><br />Which brings me to the present; in building this web-site and looking for other sites that I could recommend from here, I looked up www.Darkness2Light.org once again. While there, I saw they had an online class about protecting our children and although I attended an educational group locally to help me chaperone my husband with my children, I am also aware there are many women in the United States and around the world in my position who have no such classes. So I wanted to take this class to see if it would be good for them.<br /><br />This class was very empowering. OK – do you know the statistics? I did not. I want you take a minute and write down the names of 10 children you know – four girls and 6 boys. Add your children’s names to the mix, friends of your children, your nieces and nephews. Got them? OK – now which 2 is it? Do you know? Can you figure it out? Because statistically one of the girls and one of those boys on that list will be molested by the age of 18. One in four girls and one in six boys! It is an epidemic! Those figures are staggering! Those figures are scary. And I want to make sure that my younger children do not become one of those statistics!<br /><br />In hind sight with my step-father – all of the signs were there. He spent years grooming my daughter before he molested her. I did not even know the word grooming then. If you don’t know it now – get over to that site and take that class.<br />My answer to the question of who would I give one on one alone time with my daughter – was completely healthy and dead on! Just simply removing one on one alone time with any adults and your children drastically reduces the chances of them being molested!<br /><br />I do not see all of the grooming signs with my husband and daughter, but am also perfectly willing to say that I may be just too close to that situation and have not reached that point in my healing yet. Don’t worry – I will get there. But it doesn’t matter if I ever do, because in my world any person is a potential child molester and it is my responsibility to give my children a safe environment.<br /><br />I love the Darkness 2 Light approach. They talk about the fact that as a society, we really are focusing on teaching our children to protect themselves – but we are not focusing on educating the adults.<br /><br />Here are some other statistics they cite beyond the 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys:<br /><br />Less than 1 in 10 children who are molested will tell someone they were abused. <br /><br />34% of those children will be molested by a family member<br /><br />59% of those children will be molested by a close friend or acquaintance<br /><br />The median age of those children is 9 years old.<br /><br />Their take is that this is happening frequently enough to suggest that it is being passively accepted and even overlooked.<br /><br />I count myself in that passive group in the past. I am passive no longer.<br /><br />They talk about becoming consciously aware of the facts, choosing to passionately create a safe environment for our children, empowering ourselves to take action, even if we don’t know the outcome – it is better to err on the side of caution. <br /><br />They also talk about relentless compassion. They insistence on accountability – holding perpetrators accountable for the effects on children and our communities – and doing that with compassion. (Read an interesting story of hope in one neighborhood here: http://stopitnow.com/community_member )<br /><br />I was an empowering life changing class! I think everyone who has access to children should take it. I know I am glad I did.<br /> <br />K<br /><a href="http://www.Darkness2Light.org"></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041486264317476360.post-54452633573437159492009-02-13T09:08:00.001-05:002009-02-13T09:08:40.099-05:00Heartbroken<span xmlns=''><p>My heart is so heavy. We went Wednesday for an ultrasound to make sure there were not twins and there was no heartbeat. My daughter is crushed. Her boyfriend is crushed. I am just in Mommy protect and care mode – unable to even deal with my own feelings.<br /></p><p>I am not going to share much today, as a Mom, I would do anything to spare my daughter this pain. She has just been through way too much for her short 17 years. I know God has a plan in all things. They believe the baby had Down Syndrome from the ultrasound, and I cannot imagine a single teenage Mom parenting a special needs child. <br /></p><p>If you are a praying person, please pray for God's healing presence.<br /></p><p>Thank-you,<br /></p><p>K</p></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041486264317476360.post-23615457629651420132009-02-10T10:46:00.001-05:002009-02-10T10:46:46.232-05:00Love Is Patient<span xmlns=''><p>Aaaauuuugggghhhhh!<br /></p><p>Ok – patience is not my strong point at the moment. Have I told you my 17 year old daughter is pregnant? My patience is being stretched – greatly stretched.<br /></p><p>I realized this morning that I am so angry with her on so many levels that I am not even being an effective parent to her. I think I am past being angry over her being pregnant, but what I am being angry over is her not taking care of herself – and hence not taking care of the baby. I just want to scream at her every time she is making poor choices 'you are just proving you are not mature enough to be a parent!!!!!!!!'<br /></p><p>But I can't do that. I need to be supportive and helpful and put away this anger. I began reading the book "The Love Dare" this morning. I am reading it for my marriage, but it hit more on my relationship with my daughter today.<br /></p><p style='text-align: center; margin-left: 27pt'><span style='font-size:10pt'>Day One is: Love Is Patient<br /></span></p><p style='text-align: center; margin-left: 27pt'><span style='font-size:10pt'><em>"Be completely humble and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love."<br/> Ephesians 4:2 NIV<br /></em></span></p><p style='margin-left: 27pt'><span style='font-size:10pt'>"Anger is usually caused when the strong desire for something is mixed with disappointment or grief."</span><br /> <span style='font-size:8pt'>The Love Dare p2.<br /></span></p><p>I am disappointed that she is not taking care of herself. I really want her to take care of herself because it will show me she is grown up enough to have a baby. I was pregnant at 18 and yet I chose to take good care of myself. It is very frustrating for me watching her. She is not eating right – skipping meals – eating junk (in the name of cravings) when she does eat. She is choosing to go and hang out at her boyfriend's house where there are 4 smokers in a trailer. I want to shake her I want to scream at her. I know I can't do that, but I am not being any better by my attitude and words because my anger is slipping out every time I talk to her.<br /></p><p>Patience is about responding positively in a negative situation. I know I can do this. It is clear to me that my anger is driving a wedge between us right now, that it is not helping either of us. I need to get this anger out of me so I can be helpful to her and the baby. If I continue to drive the wedge deeper she may leave my home and then I will not have any influence. I don't want that to happen.<br /></p><p>I think part of my anger is she is not doing what I did. We had such similar issues growing up – we were both molested – we both got pregnant early, etc. But that does not mean she is going to react in the exact same way as I did.<br /></p><p style='margin-left: 18pt'> <span style='font-size:10pt'>"Patience helps give your spouse permission to be human. It understands that everyone fails. When a mistake is made, it chooses to give them more time than they deserve to correct it. It gives you the ability to hold on during the tough times in your relationship rather than bailing out under the pressure." </span><span style='font-size:8pt'>The Love Dare p2.<br /></span></p><p>This is what I want in my life in all relationships, both with my husband, and my children. It is hard for me. I tend to be one who loses my patience. I fly off the handle, get angry. Lord help me with this. Each day in "The Love Dare" book there is a dare. Today's dare is to resolve to possess and demonstrate patience. More than just biting my tongue, I need to take a deep breath, seek patience and wisdom, and bring mercy to the table. Which of course is easier said than done.<br /></p><p>I know that first; I need to apologize to my daughter. I think I might just read the first chapter of "The Love Dare" book with her. We have not done devotions together in a while. Maybe we could both take this book and use it in all of the relationships in our lives. I so want to be connected to her, loving her, and supporting her through this. In order to do that I have to set my anger aside and have patience in this relationship. She is too immature to be a parent. Which means it is my job to rise above, supporting her in the areas that she needs help, letting her run in the areas she is competent in, having the wisdom to know the difference in those areas.<br /></p><p>Twenty years ago I knew a woman who was HIV positive. She had a baby who was born HIV positive as well. She did not have custody of that baby for quite a while. I remember watching the foster Mom with the two of them and being in awe. The foster Mom allowed my friend to be the Mom of that baby. She never showed judgment. She had all patience. She allowed the Mom to be the Mom when she could, but was always there in the background, ready to pick up and care for the baby whenever needed. I recognized the incredible art form it was then. She was selfless, patient, kind, loving. I need to give this gift to my daughter. I need to let her be the Mom, picking up every piece (with patience) that she drops, supporting her and allowing her to grow into the role of being a wonderful mother. Lord help me, for I know one thing at the moment – I will never succeed at this without Your help.</p></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041486264317476360.post-40178988771482580792009-01-29T20:28:00.003-05:002009-01-29T20:53:06.516-05:00Sentencing - FinallyI know - I haven't written in a while. I am making a pack with myself to write more. I want to be active in my healing process again. <br /><br />The sentencing happened 3 days before Christmas. Then there was Christmas. Enough said. I feel like I crawled inside of myself to just lick my own wounds. It is time to crawl out again, start to share, and get out the feelings, thoughts, emotions, that are spinning around inside of me.<br /><br />OK - first the sentencing. It was good and bad. Good first. He was given 2-5 years probation. No jail time. This is good.<br /><br />Then the bad. The reality of probation and the restrictions starts to impede on me and the kids lives. It has been painful. I have been very angry. The first thing that happened is the DA did not put in the order that he could have phone calls with the kids. This knocked the small amount of security left in their lives right out from under them. It has been so hard.<br /><br />Second, he is no longer allowed at the house at all. Which means everything is on my shoulders now. In the last two days I have learned to snow blow my own driveway. When the car wouldn't start - I had to figure it out. I could name a million little things he helped with. Not so much any more. It is frustrating. Before he could come as long as my children were not here and he could fix things, plow the driveway, etc.<br /><br />I decided to give the kids fictitious names so I can write about them individually:<br /><br />Ann - 17 yo daughter who was molested<br />Joe - 6 year old boy twin<br />May - 6 year old girl twin<br /><br />Figured that would make it easier.<br /><br />May is having such a hard time. She is my thoughtful one - a lot goes on in her mind. Tonight was our one hour weekly supervised visit with Dad. We almost got in an accident on the way there. Some jerk pulled out right in front of us. I locked up my breaks but knew I would hit him anyhow if I did not go to the left or the right. I know it only took a split second, but when something like that happens it is like you are in slow motion. The snow banks are so high around here now. I came around a small bend in the road and a car on my right drove right out into the road in front of me. I slammed on the breaks, and thought which way do I go around him? I started turning left, thinking he will slam on his breaks and stop. I of course quickly assess if someone is coming from the other direction and will I hit them head on by trying to go around the left side of him. Nope no one is coming - then I realize he is not stopping, so I quickly spin the steering wheel to the right to hopefully get around the back of him. My car starts sliding, it snowed the last 24 hours, so the road is slick enough for my car to start to slide. I make it around him with inches to spare but the twins are screaming. I'm sure the seat belts locked up and the swerving and slamming of the breaks - I wonder if they were slammed into the side of the car seats or something.<br /><br />I ask if they are all right - Joe answered - yes. No answer from May. I realize she is crying. I say May - are you alright? Finally she says yes. I say are you hurt or scared. She finally gets out scared. I tell her we are almost there and I will hug her as soon as we get there.<br /><br />When there is no security - every little thing destroys you. They are both in my bed again tonight. I just can't watch her cry and say she is scared to sleep alone in her bed tonight. It is just easier to give in. I'm not sure I am helping or harming by doing this - the story of my life.<br /><br />I'm done for the night.<br /><br />KUnknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041486264317476360.post-56014207196152744452008-10-19T22:06:00.002-04:002008-10-19T22:15:23.348-04:00What Is ForgivenessForgiveness is such a huge thing. And being a Christian can sometimes confuse it even more. We have perceptions of what forgiveness is. We try to hold Jesus as the example, but I am reminded that He went in the temple and turned over the tables! I think He was pretty angry that day and yet He is the one who gave His life to forgive us. <br /><br />The quick synopsis of my how my life was touched by sex offenders. Offended myself by 3 of my Dad's friends. Yep that's three (and to answer the question I'm pretty sure 2 knew about each other). <br /><br />My daughter was molested by her step-grandfather. And then she was molested by her step-father, my husband of exactly seven years in just three more days. I'm not even going to go back to forgiving my abusers. Let's just talk about the last 3 years. <br /><br />The grandfather involved was a Deacon at our church. I have gone to church the longest, brought my parents to the Lord, and met my hubby and brought him to the Lord as well. When it came out what her grandfather had done it had to be dealt with in such a public way. <br /><br />My daughter told, and my pastors were the second call I made. I called my husband first told him he had to leave work and come home immediately. We lived 5 houses from the church, so I called the pastors second and told them they had to come over immediately and why. I waited til my hubby made it home and took his keys from him before I told him. We all met and knew first we needed to understand the extent of the abuse (my daughter had left me a note and went off to school at our church). <br /><br />Knowing what had happened my pastor went and checked on her before he came over. He said he had just seen her skipping across the playground at recess. He knew for her the weight of the world was off her shoulders. I picked up my daughter from school and she and I took a ride and talked. <br /><br />If I never did anything else right in my life as a parent - I believed my daughter - unconditionally - every word and told her so. (My own experience was not so lucky as a child.) <br /><br />My pastors wanted to answer to God and the law and truly walk this out how God would have it done. When we knew the extent (which was gross multiple over 2 years) we made plans to tell my Mom the next morning and have the pastor confront her grandfather that afternoon. I'll never forget the moment my pastor told my Mom. We were all there. He knelt on the floor before her, took her hands in his, and said he had to tell her something that was going to dramatically change her life forever. Little did I know that three years later I would walk in her shoes. And let me tell you that the roles of 'mother of the abused' and 'wife of the offender' are miles apart. <br /><br />We moved my Mom in with us that very morning. Removed the guns from their house so he could not take the cowards way out. And prepared for the time when pastor would confront him. <br /><br />When confronted he broke down and immediately confessed. My husband and I then went to the pastors house and rode with the pastor and my step-father to the police department where he turned himself in. It started a path of forgiveness that did not include anger, sadness, pain, screaming, yelling, crying, and all of the many emotions that God put in us and that are really important to feel, claim, experience, and heal through. <br /><br />I sat through a meeting at the church where the pastors gathered my brothers and sisters, and had my step-father come in and confess to them what he had done. I sat through a meeting where we gathered the adult members of the church so they could be told what had happened, before it hit the papers. I was in shock the whole time.<br /><br />I know I have said it before but I am going to walk through this crisis with my husband differently than I have my entire life. I REFUSE to eventually heal from this past. I am endeavoring to heal THROUGH this. Which means I cry, I scream, I have been on the floor screaming and crying doubled over in a pain that is so deep you think it could actually swallow you up. I am going to grieve the death of every dream for my marriage, my family, my children, and my life as I thought it would play out. Because what my pastor said that day to my Mom had so much truth in it. Your life is NEVER the same after something like this hits it. I learned from walking through it wrongly the first time that forgiveness is a gift from God. But it is not a hall pass through your emotions. I thought because I had decided to forgive and work towards reconciliation (the Christian thing to do) that I could not get angry, etc. <br /><br />I was wrong. I walk along a tight rope purposing to feel my emotions and not sin in them. I'm not even sure if I can explain how I attempt it other than to ask God to cover me, and forgive me if I don't do it perfectly. <br /><br />I can tell you three years later that I have truly forgiven Fred, my step-father. But in that forgiveness there is no reconciliation. I will not have anything to do with him. He is in a bad place. I feel sorry for him. He actually has said out loud the words that 'he is the true victim in this'. Sad but true. I don't think he truly comprehends the effect his abuse had on her, his wife, his children, the church, etc. <br /><br />And there-in lies what I look for in my husband as a barometer of where his walk is. I believe I have forgiven my husband, but I am much more volatile about it. And that is to be expected only six months into finding out. I give myself permission to forgive and be sad, forgive and be mad, forgive and grieve, etc. This time around I have learned they don't have to be mutually exclusive. I believe I am much healthier for this revelation.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041486264317476360.post-69383900317861538262008-10-06T07:43:00.002-04:002008-10-06T08:28:40.622-04:00Where is God?I realized this morning I am still praying to an unpowerful God. A God I am still mad at. A God I am not sure I trust. I cried.<br /><br />Yesterday church was powerful. A powerful God who loves enough to break bondage's. A powerful God who can heal. A powerful God who can take a broken life and turn it so it becomes a witness.<br /><br />At the end of church I went up for prayer. Our pastor had a vision for this prayer - lay down your burdens and receive God's all powerful love.<br /><br />I went up and stood there with my arms raised and realized I was not postured right - I got on my knees crying, rocking, praying, giving everything I could with all my heart - I laid down my fear, my family, my finances, my will, my desire, my marriage, the pain, the hurt, my heart, everything - I prayed to lay down even everything I could not think of. I reached out to the Lord with everything I absolutely could. I gave Him my heart, my soul, my spirit, my will. I laid everything there at the cross of Jesus. I wanted Him. I wanted His Love. I wanted His Power. I need Him. All of Him. They played the song 'Rescue Me'. I need Him so badly to rescue me.<br /><br />I walked away finally at peace. I have been engulfed in fear. Drowning in fear. The last week it had reached terrible all consuming peak.<br /><br />Then last night. My daughter and I get in a huge argument. She tells me she may be pregnant. I did not handle it good. I was angry. I was hurt. I was afraid. I was not supportive. I yelled. Then she yelled more and said terrible hurtful things. True things - yet so hurtful.<br /><br />I calmed down enough to go and apologize. Saying I was angry at so many things and taking it all out on her. I was angry at her grandfather for molesting her. I was angry at her Dad for molesting her. I was angry at God because this was not my plan - I did not want to be here - with a broken hurt child with the possibility of my child having a child.<br /><br />I said it. It was out there in the universe. I was angry at God. I had prayed for my child. I brought her up in the church. Believing in a powerful protective God. And yet she was molested. She was so broken. Where was my child? When was the moment that she was lost? How do I help her to heal? How do I trust God again. I realize I don't pray with faith for my children anymore. I am praying to a God I am not sure is all powerful.<br /><br />Please help me Lord. Help me to heal. Help my children to Heal. How do we heal? How do I parent this hard hearted broken child who did not deserve to be so cruelly treated. She is so broken and I don't know how to help her. I am broken myself and I am supposed to be her Mom and I don't feel like a good one. I continue to be unable to protect her. From any of lives hurts.<br /><br />"I need you Jesus to come to my rescue. Where else can I go?" <br /><br />But how do I trust you? Can you really heal? Can you really redeem this family? Will we really be a witness of your redeeming love? Will we really ever fully heal from this terrible pain. How do I get back to a place of praying with faith that you are powerful? I truly lay it all down Lord. It was not some shallow thing yesterday God. I lay it all down. There is absolutely no other answer but you. Where are you? Are you here? Do you see my tears? Do you feel my pain? Do you know the answers?<br /><br />"I need you Jesus."<br /><br />I beg you Jesus. Please let your Grace and Mercy fall down and cover me, heal me, lift me up, protect me and my children. I lay it all down at your feet again Lord - Help me to no pick it back up. Help me to have faith in You.<br /><br />KUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041486264317476360.post-64004721083161859592008-09-11T08:18:00.002-04:002008-09-11T08:23:53.412-04:00Remembering 9 11I can't ever imagine not taking a moment on this day and remembering where I was.<br /><br />I was at work - I ran a photo lab. I was setting and printing pictures and listening to the radio. The lab was in a larger photography and computer store. I always listened to the radio while I worked. When they broke in and started to describe everything - it was kind of unreal. I called out and said for people to come listen. My work space was tiny - it was taken up by lots of photo machinery. Everyone in the store, staff and customers alike crammed in my lab and listened to the radio with me in complete silence. I remember when the second building came down - we were shocked - scared. My boss who owned the store - his son worked in the twin towers. He was one of the many spared that day - he was sick. But it took my boss hours to hear because of course the cell phones weren't working.<br /><br />I didn't live far from the store, so I ran home and grabbed a tiny TV with rabbit ears. As I drove home I started to sob - calling out to the Lord - I said 'forgive us Lord - forgive us Lord forgive us Lord' - our pride as a Nation - our sin as a nation. I knew our world would never be the same I just wasn't sure in that moment how much it would change. <br /><br />I brought the TV back to the store and we had it on all day. It barely came in - it was such a snowy picture - but we all still gathered around it and watched in horror as the story unfolded.<br /><br />I went home early that day to meet my children from school. My son who was 17 marched in with the papers from the recruiter. He had always planned on going into the Marines - he said I want you to sign today - the recruiter is coming tonight Mom - I'm going in early. My heart stopped. You see it was perfectly fine before that day for him to join the Marines - but that day I changed my mind. Before it was discipline - an education - a maturing. Now it could mean death.<br /><br />That recruiter came to my house that night. I did not sign the papers. I made my son finish high school. But that recruiter did say words that helped me to face my son going into the Marines better. He said today that my world changed - because it happened in my own back yard. But the world had not changed. Things like this had been happening all over the world in other people's back yards for a long time - and the Marines had been there. It just was real to me now.<br /><br />He was right.<br /><br />My heart still breaks every time I hear of another service man dieing - he is someones baby - just like my son. Thankfully my son served, spent his time in Iraq, and lived. He still refuses to talk about it. I know he traveled - in convoys - going house to house, town to town and saw many terrible things. I don't push him - I just pray for him and thank God he made it home safely.<br /><br />Today I pray again - for our Nation - forgive us Lord. That although for a time we came together - we prayed - we repented - we loved each other - we were sorry. But we have moved on. I pray for the families who lost loved ones on that day. I pray for the families who are still sending their sons into battle and still having some come home in boxes. I cannot imagine that pain. Only you Holy Spirit can comfort them in that time. I send you Holy Spirit today to all those that are in pain that you could be the one that gives peace that passes all understanding.<br /><br />Please Lord help us as a Nation to turn back to God. <br /><br />Where were you on that day? What are your prayers for our Nation today?<br /><br />KUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041486264317476360.post-30740972561462353242008-09-04T08:32:00.002-04:002008-09-04T08:59:35.434-04:00Parenting a wounded childMy daughter has been so wounded in her life, she is so hard to parent. Most of the time I feel completely un-equipped to be a good parent to her. First - she is a girl - a teenage girl - WITH hormones. That in and of itself is a very difficult thing. When you add the fact that she has been molested by 2 very important men in her life - it is devastating.<br /><br />She came home yesterday and shared she is 'flunking' French - OK she has gone to school for a total of 4 days - how can she be flunking already!?!? Here is the problem with my dd and school though -she is very smart. Which means things come really easy to her. So when she finds something hard, she does not have the skills to buckle down and work hard to learn something.<br /><br />She crawled into bed this morning and I tried lovingly to explain this to her. Yesterday she just wanted to quit French - and try Spanish - rather than to figure out a way to learn French. (She took French I two years ago so there is a year lapse between French I & French II - hence the struggling). I think she perceives getting help as a weakness too and when she is just starting back at school and worried about what people think of her, etc. - my heart is breaking.<br /><br />When she feels bad about herself she goes on the attack mode and takes these huge emotional swings. Like the 'I'll just quit French because I'm struggling' - rather than trying to get any help. If you push her in that moment she just feels cornered and you can't get anything through. Hence I hope snuggling with her this morning when she is not defensive and explaining what I think the problem is - might be a better tactic.<br /><br />OK - it didn't hurt that after the French conversation she asked to go to the football game on Friday night and I might have said - sure - <em>if</em> you talk to your French teacher and figure out a way to get tutoring or some kind of plan to get you up to speed in class. It is good to have leverage. But you can't have too much leverage - oh the tightrope of parenting a wounded teenage girl.<br /><br />Pray for me!<br /><br />KUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041486264317476360.post-56815174055731131802008-09-03T08:04:00.003-04:002008-09-03T08:25:31.677-04:00Shame, Shame, ShameThe bus just drove down the street leaving me, the dog, and a whole lot of wonderful quiet in my house. Don't get me wrong I love my children, but being a single parent is hard! I now have three blissfully quiet hours before I have to be at work and quite honestly I am unsure what to do with myself. My first reaction is to furiously clean - my second is to turn on some worship music and just dance around the house - because I can! I probably will do both!<br /><br />It is great to watch my kids be excited about school. Life does go on. Children are resilient - even though of course our best hope is that they never have to be.<br /><br />Shame - this is what I want to write about today. My husband and I occasionally go out and get groceries together, go to diner, etc. Every once in a while I am overwhelmed with a feeling of being ashamed to be seen with him. Wondering what people will think. Will they judge me for my choice to continue to stay with him? Actually I know they will - I have already experienced it. <br /><br />It is incredibly startling to me when this feeling shows up. I wish that I did not worry what other people think. I wish that I only worried about what God thinks of me - not people. But honestly it happens to me. Only when we are out and about. It never happens when it is just he and I alone.<br /><br />I am pondering why this is happening to me. I feel good about my decision - I believe it is truly what God wants me to do, but if that is so - why the shame? I am almost ashamed to admit out loud that I am feeling it. It feels mean to my husband - I am sure it would crush him if he knew and he would never go in public again with me. Is it just because I have already experienced the cruelty of people's opinions of sex offenders? Will it go away? I know the cruelty won't but will my feeling go away? I don't like feeling this way.<br /><br />Not sure what else to say - but I guess I just needed to say it out loud. Or at least type it out loud.<br /><br />kUnknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041486264317476360.post-15476844852233718522008-07-22T23:51:00.003-04:002008-07-23T00:01:26.289-04:00In the secret place...My pool, at midnight, in the dark, in the silence. <br /><br />I was restless in bed. My back was in spasm, and I just couldn't seem to still myself to get to sleep. So finally at midnight I got up, got on my suit, and got into my pool. I haven't been swimming in the dark in quite a while. It was so peaceful, so still. There were no sounds accept the lone call of a train whistle in the distance.<br /><br />I started to pray, calling on the Lord. Reaching out to Him with my words and my spirit. I called on my Jesus to come and be with me. I wanted time <em><strong>with </strong></em>Him. One on one time. I didn't want to sing <em><strong>to </strong></em>Him, read <em><strong>about </strong></em>Him, pray <em><strong>to </strong></em>Him, talk <em><strong>about </strong></em>Him.<br /><br />I wanted to be <em><strong>with </strong></em>Him. Just me and Him. Alone. I wanted to experience His peace with Him.<br /><br />The presence of the Lord is the most incredible thing in this universe. It is so healing, so comforting, and I'm not sure I can even find all the right words.<br /><br />I am so grateful for my Lord.<br /><br />KUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041486264317476360.post-87891414253714710942008-07-07T21:18:00.004-04:002008-07-07T21:50:37.046-04:00The Silent ScreamI am screaming inside..... it is a high pitched piercing scream filled with gut wrenching pain and it goes on and on and on.<br /><br />But nothing comes out. I go about my day, taking care of the the kids, cleaning the house, smiling to the lady at the checkout counter, bantering with the man in line behind me.<br /><br />But inside, the pain, the hole, it is black, it is gaping, it is bottomless. I feel like I should be covered from head to toe in blood. If I were, people would notice. They would see the damage that has happened when the bomb went off blowing my families lives to bits.<br /><br />My son cries, real tears, sobbing. There are no answers. There is no kissing it and making it feel better. There is no saying "Daddy will be home soon". Daddy will not be home soon. Daddy can't even visit. Daddy isn't even allowed to pick him up and hug him. Daddy can't even give him a kiss. Daddy can't even just let him sit on his lap and let him lay his little head on Daddy's shoulder and cry. There is no contact like that with supervised visits.<br /><br />I can't scream - but thankfully I can write. I sound awful don't I? I am mad. I am sad. But I will continue on. God will fill this hole. He hears me scream. He hears me scream in anger. He hears me scream in pain. He sees the tears I let fall when I am alone with only Him.<br /><br />What do people in pain do without God? I don't know. I am strong still. I can be angry and strong. I can be sad and strong. I can be strong and cry at the same time. They can happen simultaneously. I can admit that I am in pain and still have faith in God. He must get angry. He must cry. He must be sad and in pain at the things that happen in His world at a much deeper level than I can ever experience. And yet He is still God. Strong as ever. I am made in His image which makes me strong as well.<br /><br />I needed to find another picture of complete abandon in worshiping and leaning on God. I found this one. I love the sky behind it. In the midst of the storm you can still reach out to God in complete abandon, complete trust, complete faith, that He will be there.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4Wq3rpC86qUx66ZOfIMDeDRhXl3ojGVS1eXIPLItNDXqKtHTNFeFXlYlvn_owhd7AZFLU_-V9i-0lqyn0VFzMh-UBdWB8Mw9P-qIlayjJvS4piKEhOeXbXV5iORQtjEPOApqtLnLn2UM/s1600-h/iStock_000005542532XSmall.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4Wq3rpC86qUx66ZOfIMDeDRhXl3ojGVS1eXIPLItNDXqKtHTNFeFXlYlvn_owhd7AZFLU_-V9i-0lqyn0VFzMh-UBdWB8Mw9P-qIlayjJvS4piKEhOeXbXV5iORQtjEPOApqtLnLn2UM/s320/iStock_000005542532XSmall.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5220453069604706818" /></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041486264317476360.post-64809112849486258062008-06-28T10:56:00.003-04:002008-06-28T11:09:21.913-04:00Choosing to HealIt has been awhile. 2 months. So much has happened. But I realize I need to get back to writing - it is such a healing process for me.<br /><br />Unbelievabley, I am doing good. I keep standing on that wonderful scripture I wrote about before, ‘all things work to the good for those that love the Lord’. Yes, the bomb went off blowing our family to bit. The pieces will NEVER go back together perfectly. But I am stronger than I have been in years. I am amazed at the strength the Lord has given me. It is a strength that is so deep and so strong that it is never a question of it being my own. <br /><br />Although strong I am emotional. It is good to know they can happen simultaneously. I cry at a pain that cuts me so deep that it can feel like a bottomless pit. But in that same day I can laugh with complete abandon and joy at some wonderful thing my children have just done. And then there are times when the anger hits - it is huge – I can get so angry at Norm – his choices – at Satan – his unbelievable attack to try and kill my family. <br /><br />As hard as it is - I choose to embrace and feel each and every emotion. My goal is to walk through this never having stuffed one feeling inside. I want to be healing through this – I never in the future want to have to heal from this. Does that make sense? I have spent my entire adult life in therapy trying to heal from my past. I want to be healing in my present this time.<br /><br />KUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041486264317476360.post-51303442420803334932008-04-13T20:47:00.002-04:002008-04-13T21:01:20.889-04:00I found some peace todayWorship was incredible this morning at church. Finally I found a place to get away from the pain. It was just me and the Lord. My heart was so filled.<br /><br />My daughter is coming home for a one week visit on Saturday. I am pretty nervous. She is somewhat judge-mental about me and my parenting of her brother and sister. She doesn't think I can handle them alone.<br /><br />Well - don't tell her, but there are moments I completely agree with her. But then I try to remind myself that I only have to be a 'good enough' Mom. Not a perfect Mom. So I think the thing I am most nervous about is how in the world can I pull off being a perfect Mom for seven days while she scrutinizes my every move. I don't know if I am blowing this out of proportion or not.<br /><br />Our relationship has been so rocky for so long. I long for the days when she was a little girl and we were bonded and loving and she told me everything. I wonder if we will be able to heal our relationship even just a little before she comes home for good from her school. I want to heal our relationship. I want to change how I interact with her.<br /><br />Well I am going to continue to rest in my wonderful peace tonight. Just for today I have every single thing I need in my life. My God has supplied it all. Thank-you Lord.<br /><br />KUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041486264317476360.post-33939703951064795112008-04-13T00:45:00.003-04:002008-04-13T00:59:30.756-04:00I Can't seem to run from the painI'm trying - any way I can. It is always there. Just under the surface. Lurking. Waiting for just the right moment to rise up again and start the tears streaming down.<br /><br />Fear. I am truly unable to even look at the future. I am desperate to have back the life that was torn from me. And it will never happen. The security I had in my life is gone. It will never be the same. In a moment in time all of my hopes, dreams, plans were blown to pieces.<br /><br />Anger. What was he thinking?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?<br /><br />I could scream it out to the universe - the question of all questions. What was he thinking? How could he hurt her this way. Not just her - all of us. It is so huge the whole that is left after the bomb blew up our family. It is a cavern that cannot be filled in. It is something you have to walk away from because there is nothing left there to even begin to rebuild. You have to move on to a different place, build a different life.<br /><br />How will I do this? I am so overwhelmed with my life. Everything just seems so huge. I have no choice accept to survive. But the pain of surviving. It is intense.<br /><br />I will run to bed now and watch TV until I fall asleep. I don't want even a minute of lying in bed facing any of this in the darkness. I will escape into a TV show until sleep overcomes me.<br /><br />Tomorrow is another day.<br /><br />KUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041486264317476360.post-15444154657514535032008-03-31T19:36:00.004-04:002008-07-22T13:21:37.731-04:00From Mother of abused to wife of abuser - in one quick newspaper articleIt is a new role this time around. It did hit the papers. Two out of the three in our area. I have not looked in the third paper actually and have not asked anyone. I just don't want to know any more.<br /><br />When it happened the first time three years ago - I filled a simple role. Mother of the abused. It was a role people could get behind and support. The issues were clear - I was not there - I could not have known. I was as shocked as they were.<br /><br />It is all different this time around. I had my first person run away from me in the store. I was not angry at her. She is the mother of a friend of my daughter. Her daughter has come to stay at our house more than once. I know she is scared for her daughter. Upset for mine. Wondering how a man she knew could ever do this.<br /><br />I am familiar with all of those thoughts. But here is where the path veers off. You see if it is true - that I really did not know anything. That I met, and fell in love with, and had children with a man who was capable of doing this to my daughter - and I really had no clue. Then it could happen to her. And of course the pain and horror of looking at being afraid of something like that is unimaginable. So in order to put her world back into some kind of safety zone in which to live, it is easier for her to think that I knew - and chose not to do anything about it. Which of course makes me someone to run away from.<br /><br />Church was different this Sunday. On the one hand, there was a freedom from not having to measure every word and lie. But there was also no really pressing in to the Lord for me. You see I had already steeled myself. Wondering what people would think. I walked in looking back at everyone looking at me. Did they know? Had they read the article or articles? If so which one - one was more descriptive than the other. What were they thinking of me?<br /><br />So the freedom came with a price. Does all freedom come with a price? I hope I can go back next Sunday, close my eyes, and be vulnerable again to my God. I hate walling off my heart.<br /><br />KUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041486264317476360.post-89024746123020762142008-03-24T21:40:00.004-04:002008-03-24T22:39:09.413-04:00Will it Break in the Papers this week?Tomorrow is the arraignment.<br /><br />There is a part of me in this moment that is not even sure there is anything more to write tonight than that one sentence. The weight of it hangs over me right now. I threw up my dinner tonight.<br /><br />I called the District Attorney's office this morning to find out if it was at this court hearing or at the final sentencing that the press gets all of the gory details. It is at this arraignment. Tomorrow. I decided that being prepared was better, so I had them make a copy of it and I went down and picked it up.<br /><br />When I got in my car I read the first sentence, my stomach lurched, and I quickly put the papers back down. The first sentence was that my daughter (her initials only - that is their big way of protecting her anonymity. Oops forgot - her age follows her initials just in case I have more than one daughter) came to me, her mother - oh yeah - my full name, and address were in there and told me that her step-father - yep his full name and address had sexually assaulted her.<br /><br />It took me many hours before I could pick it back up and read through the rest of the 4 pages of details of everyone's interviews. Hence my dinner coming back up.<br /><br />I want to cry right now - but honestly there just are no more tears left today. I want to weep for my daughter. I don't think I've shared here that she had another extended family member molest her 3 years ago. It all hit the papers then too. Three years later and people will still bump into me in the store and say 'OMG - I haven't seen you since I read in the paper what happened to your daughter - how are you all?' The problem with the names of the adults being published in the paper of a small town is that it is really a no brainer to know who the child involved is.<br /><br />Like anyone in our area who knows us will not now know exactly what has been done to my daughter. <br /><br />She was younger when it happened the first time - I never told her it was in the papers. I wonder now if I will be able to hide it from her. I would love to pray for some big scandalous thing here in our area which will make this seem so small it will never be written about. But that would only be wishing pain on another family and I cannot do that.<br /><br /><em>'All things work to the good for those that love the Lord'</em><br /><br />I used to play this silly little game with her about this verse when she was little and something bad had happened. <br /><br /><strong>Me:</strong> Was that all things or some things? <br /><br /><strong>My Daughter:</strong> all (she would say grudgingly with a very small voice)<br /><br /><strong>Me:</strong> What - I didn't hear you? Did you say all things? Wait maybe God only met the Good things.<br /><br /><strong>My Daughter:</strong> No<br /><br /><strong>Me:</strong> Maybe God only meant the tiny little baby things<br /><br /><strong>My Daughter:</strong> No (not as grudgingly - a little louder)<br /><br /><strong>Me:</strong> Maybe God only meant the tiny things and the medium size things - but definitely not the big things.<br /><br /><strong>My Daughter:</strong> NO<br /><br /><strong>Me:</strong> Wait are you really saying all things!?!?!? Really!?!?!? You mean the good things, the bad things, the ugly things, the tiny weenie things, the HUGE things, the medium things, the sad things, the happy things?!?!?<br /><br />By this point I would be tickling her until she was laughing and yelling yes Mom all of the things. All of them! ALL OF THEM! LOL!<br /><br />Life is simpler when the really bad things you are talking about are being picked on at school or falling down and scraping a knee.<br /><br />So here I sit tonight trying to play this game with myself. Yes it is all things. Not just the good things. 'All' includes the dirty, rotten, low down, scummy, cruel, mean, hurtful things that happen in this life too. God Can work them all to the good for those that love Him.<br /><br />God... <br /> <br /><br />I love you...<br /> <br /><br />and so do my children.<br /><br />KUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041486264317476360.post-6027161292268924292008-03-23T19:48:00.003-04:002008-03-23T19:59:35.337-04:00First Holiday AloneMy emotions today have run the gamut. I screamed at the top of my lungs, I even swore the F word. I sobbed in the deepest of heart ache, was as angry as angry could be and I genuinely laughed out loud. I felt vulnerable and fearful and shared those thoughts with others, and experienced love. I felt the pain of my immediate family being blown to bits, and yet experienced the wonderful security of being a part of a larger family. I am completely spent at the end of my day, but I can sit here and say I completely experienced every piece and part of my day and will go to bed tonight and sleep peacefully.<br /><br />I was a little caught unaware this morning about how emotional my first holiday alone was for me.<br /><br />First there was trying to get myself and two children ready to leave the house and attend church on time. OK – even when you have 2 adults trying to help get everyone out of the house on time for church it is hard. I just need to admit that it is practically impossible as a single parent.<br /><br />I desperately wanted to go to church this morning. I so needed to stand in the midst of a group of people and worship the Lord. Most Sundays since this has happened I go to church, I start to worship, and I stand there in the back row, hands raised, singing my heart out, with tears streaming down my face. I close my eyes, grateful that for the most part I know the words to the songs, for I do not want to look around and see anyone’s reaction. Most there have no idea what I am going through in my life, and I need this time with God and so I don’t want to open my eyes and censor myself based on the look of their faces.<br /><br />Did you notice that I said ‘in the last row’? Well when we did finally make it today we were a half hour late. On Easter Sunday. Yeah - no last row today. And, the crying had already being going on for an hour before I even could get to the church. Which means that people in the foyer stopped me to hug me on my way into the sanctuary leaving my darling 5 year olds to choose the seats. The front half of our church the rows face each other. The last half of our church the rows face the front. We were smack dab in the center so everyone could see. I didn’t care. I was not there for one other person accept for me and my Lord. So, I walked in with my head held high, tears streaming down my face, found my seat, closed my eyes, raised my hands and sang to my Lord and poured it all out to him in every way I could.<br /><br />Something happens in those moments. It is an incredible healing time for me. There is something about standing there in complete pain – and my pain being exposed to everyone around me who can see the tears streaming down my face. And yet there I am raising my hands, and singing about what an awesome God I have. It is a mingling of pain and faith, heartache and love, destruction and hope, woundedness and healing. It is such a public display, and yet such an intimate moment between me and my God. I’m not sure that any of the words I just wrote even begin to describe it.<br /><br />One song. It was all I was able to make being so late. And yet it was all that I needed. It was that one song that I had desperately fought all morning to get to. And God did all that I needed in that one song. And that is the miraculousness of God. I knew I could only stay for a short part of the sermon and it didn’t matter. The unbelievable peace that God gave me in that one song was everything I needed to go forward with my day. And that is exactly what I did.<br /><br />Be blessed on this day that Jesus rose again for me. Well and for you too. But I am so thankful He did it for me.<br /><br />KUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041486264317476360.post-55069724910304213302008-03-22T08:00:00.005-04:002008-03-22T15:24:00.149-04:00Wake up to a sunny day, not a cloud up in the sky, then it starts to rain<div>I play worship music in my house continually. I want the atmosphere of my house to be one of praising the Lord. I play it from my computer - I want my computer to always be praising the Lord!<br /><br />I come down to find one of my favorite songs playing:<br /><br /><em>It’s the song of the redeemed</em><br /><em>Rising from the African plain</em><br /><em>It’s the song of the forgiven</em><br /><em>Drowning out the Amazon rain<br /></em><br />I cannot help myself - I begin to sing and dance and worship the Lord. One of my favorite things in the world is to worship the Lord with all abandon. I need to tell you this only happens for me in privacy! LOL! It has a beautiful African beat to it. I begin to dance allowing my body to move freely to the beat, raising my hands to the Lord.<br /><br /><em>And all the powers of darkness</em><br /><em>Tremble at what they’ve just heard</em><br /><em>‘Cause all the powers of darkness</em><br /><em>Can’t drown out a single word<br /></em><br />Powerful words. I wonder will I ever be a part of moment in time like this. Not just in my church, but I always think globally when I worship to this song. Imagine a moment in time when ALL of Gods children would sing out together in unison around the world. It would be so powerful that in that moment ALL of the powers of darkness would be mute.<br /><br /><em>When all God’s children sing out</em><br /><em>Glory, glory, hallelujah</em><br /><em>He reigns, He reigns</em><br /><em>All God’s people singing</em><br /><em>Glory, glory, hallelujah</em><br /><em>He reigns, He reigns<br /></em><br />I continue to dance around the room my spirit rising to meet the Lord with every beat, every word, every chord, joining with every other person in the world who in this very moment would join me in worshiping Him as there is no distance in the spirit realm.<br /><br />I smile, thinking if anyone would walk in and see me dancing around my office in abandon, cranking the tunes, singing loudly - they would think I was a little off my rocker.<br /><br />It reminds me of an incident a few years ago when in a similar moment of just wanting to dance and worship before the Lord I went to our church on a Saturday afternoon. They play worship music at the church all the time too. I went in, turned up the volume, and started to dance and sing around the sanctuary in complete abandon. In that complete abandon I leapt before the lord as dancers do. It was not a huge leap.<br /><br />Have you ever seen an athlete on TV - either running, or jumping, when they fell to the ground, grabbing on to their leg. It was just like that. I landed on one leg, heard this pop, and fell to the ground pulling my leg up to my chest hugging it, crying, the pain was instant and huge. As I was falling, all I could picture was the times when I had seen this happen to athletes on TV. It was a surreal moment. I lay there praying for the pain to go away. Eventually trying to stand and 'walk it off' only to realize there was no walking! LOL! (OK - I can laugh at it now - it was years ago!) For 2 more hours I tried to 'walk it off' before going to the emergency room to find that I had ripped the tendon in my leg!<br /><br />In remembering this and laughing at myself I remember how many times over the years my husband and my daughter have teased me about this. Laughingly warning me to be careful in my dancing before the Lord. Teasing me mercilessly, wonderfully giggling, reminding me that I am in my 40s - not my 20s. (Meaning that I am VERY old!)<br /><br />Then it starts to rain - my tears.<br /><br />I wonder if there will ever be a moment in time when they will be able to laugh at me "together" again. What I would give to relive a moment like this with our family intact, happy, healthy. Is healing to this kind of point ever possible? Is bringing our family back together what God wants?<br /><br />For that is all I want in my life now - what God wants for me and my family. Not one thing more - not one thing less. It is the only way I know of surviving this incredible silent bomb that has gone off in my family blowing everything to bits.<br /><br />Everyday I am amazed at how a sunny day can turn to the rain of my tears. It is not a bad thing - it is cleansing to be able to cry in those moments, feel the pain, give it to the Lord, and then move on. For that is what I must do.<br /><br />It is these moments that I find beauty in the breaking. I am amazed myself at the strength the Lord is giving me - for I can say with all truth that it is not my own strength that I am using to walk through each day.<br /><br />My twins are calling - so full of life, so full of love - they are my greatest healers.<br /><br />K<br /><br />ps - thought I would share a photo. It is in a beautiful collection that a photographer calls Freedom - someday I will have the freedom to jump for the Lord like this! (And not break any bones, muscles, or tendons in the process! LOL!)</div><br /><br /><IMG SRC="http://i.b5z.net/i/u/2001813/i/Blog/Freedom_Purple.jpg "><br /><div></div><br /><div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041486264317476360.post-81597917478149843122008-03-21T21:49:00.005-04:002008-03-21T22:24:24.240-04:00The Beginning of a JourneyI am starting this blog for a couple of reasons.<br /><br />First because I think it will be therapeutic for me.<br /><br />I have always found writing to be healing for me. Writing allows you to get out exactly what you want to say. Journaling like this allows the time and quiet to give voice to your thoughts without any interference of any sort. When you speak to someone else, you are looking at their face, reading their body language, looking for cues as to how they are reacting to your words, which in turn modifies what you say.<br /><br />There is none of that instant modification when you journal.<br /><br />I get to set here after my kids are fast asleep, listening to my worship music, speaking to thousands, and to no one. Just cathartically giving voice to my inner thoughts.<br /><br />My life seems like a lie right now. I keep quiet as to why my husband and I are separated for many different and varied reasons. It is easier for me to hide in my home than to venture outside and measure each word when I see someone I know. Trying to talk about my life while not giving any clue as to the real reasons for our separation is difficult and tiresome.<br /><br />Growing up as a child in an alcoholic home, every time we left our home we put on the 'out of the house' persona. That person was very different than the person who lived at home. What we represented as a family to the world had very little to do with who we were as a family behind closed doors.<br /><br />Beyond lying to the world, I even lied at home. I was being sexually abused myself as a child by two of my parent's friends. All of this lying to everyone about everything took its toll. I turned to drugs and alcohol as a way to escape.<br /><br />I became a member of AA at 23 years old. It is clear to me that one of the most healing things about AA is that you tell everyone all about you - the good, the bad, the ugly. Of course if you are in AA at 23 there is not much good - just lots of bad and ugly. LOL. But a wonderful thing happens in those rooms. They listen to you tell all about all of the things you have spent a life time hiding from everyone, and they say 'welcome, we love you, keep coming back'. It was truly the first time in my life finding acceptance. The experience of sharing all the hidden gross parts of me and seeing that people could still love me was wonderfully healing.<br /><br />So, knowing that for me, hiding things is dangerous, this is my way of shouting to the world (in a very anonymous way) the truth of what I am experiencing, my feelings about what I am going through, the pain, the struggle, and the incredible strength that I am finding in the Lord.<br /><br /><em>"A bruised reed he will not break, and a dimly buring wick he will not quench" I saiah 42:3</em><br /><br />One of the scriptures that I quote to myself many times a day. I will leave it here for now.<br /><br />KUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1