Thursday, January 29, 2009

Sentencing - Finally

I know - I haven't written in a while. I am making a pack with myself to write more. I want to be active in my healing process again.

The sentencing happened 3 days before Christmas. Then there was Christmas. Enough said. I feel like I crawled inside of myself to just lick my own wounds. It is time to crawl out again, start to share, and get out the feelings, thoughts, emotions, that are spinning around inside of me.

OK - first the sentencing. It was good and bad. Good first. He was given 2-5 years probation. No jail time. This is good.

Then the bad. The reality of probation and the restrictions starts to impede on me and the kids lives. It has been painful. I have been very angry. The first thing that happened is the DA did not put in the order that he could have phone calls with the kids. This knocked the small amount of security left in their lives right out from under them. It has been so hard.

Second, he is no longer allowed at the house at all. Which means everything is on my shoulders now. In the last two days I have learned to snow blow my own driveway. When the car wouldn't start - I had to figure it out. I could name a million little things he helped with. Not so much any more. It is frustrating. Before he could come as long as my children were not here and he could fix things, plow the driveway, etc.

I decided to give the kids fictitious names so I can write about them individually:

Ann - 17 yo daughter who was molested
Joe - 6 year old boy twin
May - 6 year old girl twin

Figured that would make it easier.

May is having such a hard time. She is my thoughtful one - a lot goes on in her mind. Tonight was our one hour weekly supervised visit with Dad. We almost got in an accident on the way there. Some jerk pulled out right in front of us. I locked up my breaks but knew I would hit him anyhow if I did not go to the left or the right. I know it only took a split second, but when something like that happens it is like you are in slow motion. The snow banks are so high around here now. I came around a small bend in the road and a car on my right drove right out into the road in front of me. I slammed on the breaks, and thought which way do I go around him? I started turning left, thinking he will slam on his breaks and stop. I of course quickly assess if someone is coming from the other direction and will I hit them head on by trying to go around the left side of him. Nope no one is coming - then I realize he is not stopping, so I quickly spin the steering wheel to the right to hopefully get around the back of him. My car starts sliding, it snowed the last 24 hours, so the road is slick enough for my car to start to slide. I make it around him with inches to spare but the twins are screaming. I'm sure the seat belts locked up and the swerving and slamming of the breaks - I wonder if they were slammed into the side of the car seats or something.

I ask if they are all right - Joe answered - yes. No answer from May. I realize she is crying. I say May - are you alright? Finally she says yes. I say are you hurt or scared. She finally gets out scared. I tell her we are almost there and I will hug her as soon as we get there.

When there is no security - every little thing destroys you. They are both in my bed again tonight. I just can't watch her cry and say she is scared to sleep alone in her bed tonight. It is just easier to give in. I'm not sure I am helping or harming by doing this - the story of my life.

I'm done for the night.

K