I'm trying - any way I can. It is always there. Just under the surface. Lurking. Waiting for just the right moment to rise up again and start the tears streaming down.
Fear. I am truly unable to even look at the future. I am desperate to have back the life that was torn from me. And it will never happen. The security I had in my life is gone. It will never be the same. In a moment in time all of my hopes, dreams, plans were blown to pieces.
Anger. What was he thinking?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I could scream it out to the universe - the question of all questions. What was he thinking? How could he hurt her this way. Not just her - all of us. It is so huge the whole that is left after the bomb blew up our family. It is a cavern that cannot be filled in. It is something you have to walk away from because there is nothing left there to even begin to rebuild. You have to move on to a different place, build a different life.
How will I do this? I am so overwhelmed with my life. Everything just seems so huge. I have no choice accept to survive. But the pain of surviving. It is intense.
I will run to bed now and watch TV until I fall asleep. I don't want even a minute of lying in bed facing any of this in the darkness. I will escape into a TV show until sleep overcomes me.
Tomorrow is another day.
K
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1 comment:
K~
Your words are beautiful. They are full of the pain and agony that echoes my own heart. Bless you for sharing your intimate journey. Not only is there beauty in the breaking...but there is healing in your words...and from one of my favorite hymns...sunshine in the shadows.
~Blessings~
J~
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