The bus just drove down the street leaving me, the dog, and a whole lot of wonderful quiet in my house. Don't get me wrong I love my children, but being a single parent is hard! I now have three blissfully quiet hours before I have to be at work and quite honestly I am unsure what to do with myself. My first reaction is to furiously clean - my second is to turn on some worship music and just dance around the house - because I can! I probably will do both!
It is great to watch my kids be excited about school. Life does go on. Children are resilient - even though of course our best hope is that they never have to be.
Shame - this is what I want to write about today. My husband and I occasionally go out and get groceries together, go to diner, etc. Every once in a while I am overwhelmed with a feeling of being ashamed to be seen with him. Wondering what people will think. Will they judge me for my choice to continue to stay with him? Actually I know they will - I have already experienced it.
It is incredibly startling to me when this feeling shows up. I wish that I did not worry what other people think. I wish that I only worried about what God thinks of me - not people. But honestly it happens to me. Only when we are out and about. It never happens when it is just he and I alone.
I am pondering why this is happening to me. I feel good about my decision - I believe it is truly what God wants me to do, but if that is so - why the shame? I am almost ashamed to admit out loud that I am feeling it. It feels mean to my husband - I am sure it would crush him if he knew and he would never go in public again with me. Is it just because I have already experienced the cruelty of people's opinions of sex offenders? Will it go away? I know the cruelty won't but will my feeling go away? I don't like feeling this way.
Not sure what else to say - but I guess I just needed to say it out loud. Or at least type it out loud.
k
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4 comments:
WoW I feel the same way at times. I try to avoid being out with my husband at all costs.
Thanks so much for commenting - its nice to know I am not alone in that feeling!
Thanks,
K
I haven't experienced the shame of being with him. Our friends and family know. My work knows. So, other people, I don't worry about.
However, I would be afraid of, if our daughter were to be alone with him in public and someone recognized him from the registry but didn't know our situation b/c they don't know us, and they called children's services.
My children cannot be alone with their Dad so that is not an issue for me yet - but I would imagine we will face that some day. It was in the papers here what happened so that is why everyone knows now.
Thanks for reading and commenting
K
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