The Silent Scream

I am screaming inside..... it is a high pitched piercing scream filled with gut wrenching pain and it goes on and on and on.

But nothing comes out. I go about my day, taking care of the the kids, cleaning the house, smiling to the lady at the checkout counter, bantering with the man in line behind me.

But inside, the pain, the hole, it is black, it is gaping, it is bottomless. I feel like I should be covered from head to toe in blood. If I were, people would notice. They would see the damage that has happened when the bomb went off blowing my families lives to bits.

My son cries, real tears, sobbing. There are no answers. There is no kissing it and making it feel better. There is no saying "Daddy will be home soon". Daddy will not be home soon. Daddy can't even visit. Daddy isn't even allowed to pick him up and hug him. Daddy can't even give him a kiss. Daddy can't even just let him sit on his lap and let him lay his little head on Daddy's shoulder and cry. There is no contact like that with supervised visits.

I can't scream - but thankfully I can write. I sound awful don't I? I am mad. I am sad. But I will continue on. God will fill this hole. He hears me scream. He hears me scream in anger. He hears me scream in pain. He sees the tears I let fall when I am alone with only Him.

What do people in pain do without God? I don't know. I am strong still. I can be angry and strong. I can be sad and strong. I can be strong and cry at the same time. They can happen simultaneously. I can admit that I am in pain and still have faith in God. He must get angry. He must cry. He must be sad and in pain at the things that happen in His world at a much deeper level than I can ever experience. And yet He is still God. Strong as ever. I am made in His image which makes me strong as well.

I needed to find another picture of complete abandon in worshiping and leaning on God. I found this one. I love the sky behind it. In the midst of the storm you can still reach out to God in complete abandon, complete trust, complete faith, that He will be there.

Choosing to Heal

It has been awhile. 2 months. So much has happened. But I realize I need to get back to writing - it is such a healing process for me.

Unbelievabley, I am doing good. I keep standing on that wonderful scripture I wrote about before, ‘all things work to the good for those that love the Lord’. Yes, the bomb went off blowing our family to bit. The pieces will NEVER go back together perfectly. But I am stronger than I have been in years. I am amazed at the strength the Lord has given me. It is a strength that is so deep and so strong that it is never a question of it being my own.

Although strong I am emotional. It is good to know they can happen simultaneously. I cry at a pain that cuts me so deep that it can feel like a bottomless pit. But in that same day I can laugh with complete abandon and joy at some wonderful thing my children have just done. And then there are times when the anger hits - it is huge – I can get so angry at Norm – his choices – at Satan – his unbelievable attack to try and kill my family.

As hard as it is - I choose to embrace and feel each and every emotion. My goal is to walk through this never having stuffed one feeling inside. I want to be healing through this – I never in the future want to have to heal from this. Does that make sense? I have spent my entire adult life in therapy trying to heal from my past. I want to be healing in my present this time.

K