Where is God?

I realized this morning I am still praying to an unpowerful God. A God I am still mad at. A God I am not sure I trust. I cried.

Yesterday church was powerful. A powerful God who loves enough to break bondage's. A powerful God who can heal. A powerful God who can take a broken life and turn it so it becomes a witness.

At the end of church I went up for prayer. Our pastor had a vision for this prayer - lay down your burdens and receive God's all powerful love.

I went up and stood there with my arms raised and realized I was not postured right - I got on my knees crying, rocking, praying, giving everything I could with all my heart - I laid down my fear, my family, my finances, my will, my desire, my marriage, the pain, the hurt, my heart, everything - I prayed to lay down even everything I could not think of. I reached out to the Lord with everything I absolutely could. I gave Him my heart, my soul, my spirit, my will. I laid everything there at the cross of Jesus. I wanted Him. I wanted His Love. I wanted His Power. I need Him. All of Him. They played the song 'Rescue Me'. I need Him so badly to rescue me.

I walked away finally at peace. I have been engulfed in fear. Drowning in fear. The last week it had reached terrible all consuming peak.

Then last night. My daughter and I get in a huge argument. She tells me she may be pregnant. I did not handle it good. I was angry. I was hurt. I was afraid. I was not supportive. I yelled. Then she yelled more and said terrible hurtful things. True things - yet so hurtful.

I calmed down enough to go and apologize. Saying I was angry at so many things and taking it all out on her. I was angry at her grandfather for molesting her. I was angry at her Dad for molesting her. I was angry at God because this was not my plan - I did not want to be here - with a broken hurt child with the possibility of my child having a child.

I said it. It was out there in the universe. I was angry at God. I had prayed for my child. I brought her up in the church. Believing in a powerful protective God. And yet she was molested. She was so broken. Where was my child? When was the moment that she was lost? How do I help her to heal? How do I trust God again. I realize I don't pray with faith for my children anymore. I am praying to a God I am not sure is all powerful.

Please help me Lord. Help me to heal. Help my children to Heal. How do we heal? How do I parent this hard hearted broken child who did not deserve to be so cruelly treated. She is so broken and I don't know how to help her. I am broken myself and I am supposed to be her Mom and I don't feel like a good one. I continue to be unable to protect her. From any of lives hurts.

"I need you Jesus to come to my rescue. Where else can I go?"

But how do I trust you? Can you really heal? Can you really redeem this family? Will we really be a witness of your redeeming love? Will we really ever fully heal from this terrible pain. How do I get back to a place of praying with faith that you are powerful? I truly lay it all down Lord. It was not some shallow thing yesterday God. I lay it all down. There is absolutely no other answer but you. Where are you? Are you here? Do you see my tears? Do you feel my pain? Do you know the answers?

"I need you Jesus."

I beg you Jesus. Please let your Grace and Mercy fall down and cover me, heal me, lift me up, protect me and my children. I lay it all down at your feet again Lord - Help me to no pick it back up. Help me to have faith in You.

K