Will it Break in the Papers this week?

Tomorrow is the arraignment.

There is a part of me in this moment that is not even sure there is anything more to write tonight than that one sentence. The weight of it hangs over me right now. I threw up my dinner tonight.

I called the District Attorney's office this morning to find out if it was at this court hearing or at the final sentencing that the press gets all of the gory details. It is at this arraignment. Tomorrow. I decided that being prepared was better, so I had them make a copy of it and I went down and picked it up.

When I got in my car I read the first sentence, my stomach lurched, and I quickly put the papers back down. The first sentence was that my daughter (her initials only - that is their big way of protecting her anonymity. Oops forgot - her age follows her initials just in case I have more than one daughter) came to me, her mother - oh yeah - my full name, and address were in there and told me that her step-father - yep his full name and address had sexually assaulted her.

It took me many hours before I could pick it back up and read through the rest of the 4 pages of details of everyone's interviews. Hence my dinner coming back up.

I want to cry right now - but honestly there just are no more tears left today. I want to weep for my daughter. I don't think I've shared here that she had another extended family member molest her 3 years ago. It all hit the papers then too. Three years later and people will still bump into me in the store and say 'OMG - I haven't seen you since I read in the paper what happened to your daughter - how are you all?' The problem with the names of the adults being published in the paper of a small town is that it is really a no brainer to know who the child involved is.

Like anyone in our area who knows us will not now know exactly what has been done to my daughter.

She was younger when it happened the first time - I never told her it was in the papers. I wonder now if I will be able to hide it from her. I would love to pray for some big scandalous thing here in our area which will make this seem so small it will never be written about. But that would only be wishing pain on another family and I cannot do that.

'All things work to the good for those that love the Lord'

I used to play this silly little game with her about this verse when she was little and something bad had happened.

Me: Was that all things or some things?

My Daughter: all (she would say grudgingly with a very small voice)

Me: What - I didn't hear you? Did you say all things? Wait maybe God only met the Good things.

My Daughter: No

Me: Maybe God only meant the tiny little baby things

My Daughter: No (not as grudgingly - a little louder)

Me: Maybe God only meant the tiny things and the medium size things - but definitely not the big things.

My Daughter: NO

Me: Wait are you really saying all things!?!?!? Really!?!?!? You mean the good things, the bad things, the ugly things, the tiny weenie things, the HUGE things, the medium things, the sad things, the happy things?!?!?

By this point I would be tickling her until she was laughing and yelling yes Mom all of the things. All of them! ALL OF THEM! LOL!

Life is simpler when the really bad things you are talking about are being picked on at school or falling down and scraping a knee.

So here I sit tonight trying to play this game with myself. Yes it is all things. Not just the good things. 'All' includes the dirty, rotten, low down, scummy, cruel, mean, hurtful things that happen in this life too. God Can work them all to the good for those that love Him.

God...


I love you...


and so do my children.

K