I know - I haven't written in a while. I am making a pack with myself to write more. I want to be active in my healing process again.
The sentencing happened 3 days before Christmas. Then there was Christmas. Enough said. I feel like I crawled inside of myself to just lick my own wounds. It is time to crawl out again, start to share, and get out the feelings, thoughts, emotions, that are spinning around inside of me.
OK - first the sentencing. It was good and bad. Good first. He was given 2-5 years probation. No jail time. This is good.
Then the bad. The reality of probation and the restrictions starts to impede on me and the kids lives. It has been painful. I have been very angry. The first thing that happened is the DA did not put in the order that he could have phone calls with the kids. This knocked the small amount of security left in their lives right out from under them. It has been so hard.
Second, he is no longer allowed at the house at all. Which means everything is on my shoulders now. In the last two days I have learned to snow blow my own driveway. When the car wouldn't start - I had to figure it out. I could name a million little things he helped with. Not so much any more. It is frustrating. Before he could come as long as my children were not here and he could fix things, plow the driveway, etc.
I decided to give the kids fictitious names so I can write about them individually:
Ann - 17 yo daughter who was molested
Joe - 6 year old boy twin
May - 6 year old girl twin
Figured that would make it easier.
May is having such a hard time. She is my thoughtful one - a lot goes on in her mind. Tonight was our one hour weekly supervised visit with Dad. We almost got in an accident on the way there. Some jerk pulled out right in front of us. I locked up my breaks but knew I would hit him anyhow if I did not go to the left or the right. I know it only took a split second, but when something like that happens it is like you are in slow motion. The snow banks are so high around here now. I came around a small bend in the road and a car on my right drove right out into the road in front of me. I slammed on the breaks, and thought which way do I go around him? I started turning left, thinking he will slam on his breaks and stop. I of course quickly assess if someone is coming from the other direction and will I hit them head on by trying to go around the left side of him. Nope no one is coming - then I realize he is not stopping, so I quickly spin the steering wheel to the right to hopefully get around the back of him. My car starts sliding, it snowed the last 24 hours, so the road is slick enough for my car to start to slide. I make it around him with inches to spare but the twins are screaming. I'm sure the seat belts locked up and the swerving and slamming of the breaks - I wonder if they were slammed into the side of the car seats or something.
I ask if they are all right - Joe answered - yes. No answer from May. I realize she is crying. I say May - are you alright? Finally she says yes. I say are you hurt or scared. She finally gets out scared. I tell her we are almost there and I will hug her as soon as we get there.
When there is no security - every little thing destroys you. They are both in my bed again tonight. I just can't watch her cry and say she is scared to sleep alone in her bed tonight. It is just easier to give in. I'm not sure I am helping or harming by doing this - the story of my life.
I'm done for the night.
K
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Sunday, October 19, 2008
What Is Forgiveness
Forgiveness is such a huge thing. And being a Christian can sometimes confuse it even more. We have perceptions of what forgiveness is. We try to hold Jesus as the example, but I am reminded that He went in the temple and turned over the tables! I think He was pretty angry that day and yet He is the one who gave His life to forgive us.
The quick synopsis of my how my life was touched by sex offenders. Offended myself by 3 of my Dad's friends. Yep that's three (and to answer the question I'm pretty sure 2 knew about each other).
My daughter was molested by her step-grandfather. And then she was molested by her step-father, my husband of exactly seven years in just three more days. I'm not even going to go back to forgiving my abusers. Let's just talk about the last 3 years.
The grandfather involved was a Deacon at our church. I have gone to church the longest, brought my parents to the Lord, and met my hubby and brought him to the Lord as well. When it came out what her grandfather had done it had to be dealt with in such a public way.
My daughter told, and my pastors were the second call I made. I called my husband first told him he had to leave work and come home immediately. We lived 5 houses from the church, so I called the pastors second and told them they had to come over immediately and why. I waited til my hubby made it home and took his keys from him before I told him. We all met and knew first we needed to understand the extent of the abuse (my daughter had left me a note and went off to school at our church).
Knowing what had happened my pastor went and checked on her before he came over. He said he had just seen her skipping across the playground at recess. He knew for her the weight of the world was off her shoulders. I picked up my daughter from school and she and I took a ride and talked.
If I never did anything else right in my life as a parent - I believed my daughter - unconditionally - every word and told her so. (My own experience was not so lucky as a child.)
My pastors wanted to answer to God and the law and truly walk this out how God would have it done. When we knew the extent (which was gross multiple over 2 years) we made plans to tell my Mom the next morning and have the pastor confront her grandfather that afternoon. I'll never forget the moment my pastor told my Mom. We were all there. He knelt on the floor before her, took her hands in his, and said he had to tell her something that was going to dramatically change her life forever. Little did I know that three years later I would walk in her shoes. And let me tell you that the roles of 'mother of the abused' and 'wife of the offender' are miles apart.
We moved my Mom in with us that very morning. Removed the guns from their house so he could not take the cowards way out. And prepared for the time when pastor would confront him.
When confronted he broke down and immediately confessed. My husband and I then went to the pastors house and rode with the pastor and my step-father to the police department where he turned himself in. It started a path of forgiveness that did not include anger, sadness, pain, screaming, yelling, crying, and all of the many emotions that God put in us and that are really important to feel, claim, experience, and heal through.
I sat through a meeting at the church where the pastors gathered my brothers and sisters, and had my step-father come in and confess to them what he had done. I sat through a meeting where we gathered the adult members of the church so they could be told what had happened, before it hit the papers. I was in shock the whole time.
I know I have said it before but I am going to walk through this crisis with my husband differently than I have my entire life. I REFUSE to eventually heal from this past. I am endeavoring to heal THROUGH this. Which means I cry, I scream, I have been on the floor screaming and crying doubled over in a pain that is so deep you think it could actually swallow you up. I am going to grieve the death of every dream for my marriage, my family, my children, and my life as I thought it would play out. Because what my pastor said that day to my Mom had so much truth in it. Your life is NEVER the same after something like this hits it. I learned from walking through it wrongly the first time that forgiveness is a gift from God. But it is not a hall pass through your emotions. I thought because I had decided to forgive and work towards reconciliation (the Christian thing to do) that I could not get angry, etc.
I was wrong. I walk along a tight rope purposing to feel my emotions and not sin in them. I'm not even sure if I can explain how I attempt it other than to ask God to cover me, and forgive me if I don't do it perfectly.
I can tell you three years later that I have truly forgiven Fred, my step-father. But in that forgiveness there is no reconciliation. I will not have anything to do with him. He is in a bad place. I feel sorry for him. He actually has said out loud the words that 'he is the true victim in this'. Sad but true. I don't think he truly comprehends the effect his abuse had on her, his wife, his children, the church, etc.
And there-in lies what I look for in my husband as a barometer of where his walk is. I believe I have forgiven my husband, but I am much more volatile about it. And that is to be expected only six months into finding out. I give myself permission to forgive and be sad, forgive and be mad, forgive and grieve, etc. This time around I have learned they don't have to be mutually exclusive. I believe I am much healthier for this revelation.
The quick synopsis of my how my life was touched by sex offenders. Offended myself by 3 of my Dad's friends. Yep that's three (and to answer the question I'm pretty sure 2 knew about each other).
My daughter was molested by her step-grandfather. And then she was molested by her step-father, my husband of exactly seven years in just three more days. I'm not even going to go back to forgiving my abusers. Let's just talk about the last 3 years.
The grandfather involved was a Deacon at our church. I have gone to church the longest, brought my parents to the Lord, and met my hubby and brought him to the Lord as well. When it came out what her grandfather had done it had to be dealt with in such a public way.
My daughter told, and my pastors were the second call I made. I called my husband first told him he had to leave work and come home immediately. We lived 5 houses from the church, so I called the pastors second and told them they had to come over immediately and why. I waited til my hubby made it home and took his keys from him before I told him. We all met and knew first we needed to understand the extent of the abuse (my daughter had left me a note and went off to school at our church).
Knowing what had happened my pastor went and checked on her before he came over. He said he had just seen her skipping across the playground at recess. He knew for her the weight of the world was off her shoulders. I picked up my daughter from school and she and I took a ride and talked.
If I never did anything else right in my life as a parent - I believed my daughter - unconditionally - every word and told her so. (My own experience was not so lucky as a child.)
My pastors wanted to answer to God and the law and truly walk this out how God would have it done. When we knew the extent (which was gross multiple over 2 years) we made plans to tell my Mom the next morning and have the pastor confront her grandfather that afternoon. I'll never forget the moment my pastor told my Mom. We were all there. He knelt on the floor before her, took her hands in his, and said he had to tell her something that was going to dramatically change her life forever. Little did I know that three years later I would walk in her shoes. And let me tell you that the roles of 'mother of the abused' and 'wife of the offender' are miles apart.
We moved my Mom in with us that very morning. Removed the guns from their house so he could not take the cowards way out. And prepared for the time when pastor would confront him.
When confronted he broke down and immediately confessed. My husband and I then went to the pastors house and rode with the pastor and my step-father to the police department where he turned himself in. It started a path of forgiveness that did not include anger, sadness, pain, screaming, yelling, crying, and all of the many emotions that God put in us and that are really important to feel, claim, experience, and heal through.
I sat through a meeting at the church where the pastors gathered my brothers and sisters, and had my step-father come in and confess to them what he had done. I sat through a meeting where we gathered the adult members of the church so they could be told what had happened, before it hit the papers. I was in shock the whole time.
I know I have said it before but I am going to walk through this crisis with my husband differently than I have my entire life. I REFUSE to eventually heal from this past. I am endeavoring to heal THROUGH this. Which means I cry, I scream, I have been on the floor screaming and crying doubled over in a pain that is so deep you think it could actually swallow you up. I am going to grieve the death of every dream for my marriage, my family, my children, and my life as I thought it would play out. Because what my pastor said that day to my Mom had so much truth in it. Your life is NEVER the same after something like this hits it. I learned from walking through it wrongly the first time that forgiveness is a gift from God. But it is not a hall pass through your emotions. I thought because I had decided to forgive and work towards reconciliation (the Christian thing to do) that I could not get angry, etc.
I was wrong. I walk along a tight rope purposing to feel my emotions and not sin in them. I'm not even sure if I can explain how I attempt it other than to ask God to cover me, and forgive me if I don't do it perfectly.
I can tell you three years later that I have truly forgiven Fred, my step-father. But in that forgiveness there is no reconciliation. I will not have anything to do with him. He is in a bad place. I feel sorry for him. He actually has said out loud the words that 'he is the true victim in this'. Sad but true. I don't think he truly comprehends the effect his abuse had on her, his wife, his children, the church, etc.
And there-in lies what I look for in my husband as a barometer of where his walk is. I believe I have forgiven my husband, but I am much more volatile about it. And that is to be expected only six months into finding out. I give myself permission to forgive and be sad, forgive and be mad, forgive and grieve, etc. This time around I have learned they don't have to be mutually exclusive. I believe I am much healthier for this revelation.
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