Choosing to Heal

It has been awhile. 2 months. So much has happened. But I realize I need to get back to writing - it is such a healing process for me.

Unbelievabley, I am doing good. I keep standing on that wonderful scripture I wrote about before, ‘all things work to the good for those that love the Lord’. Yes, the bomb went off blowing our family to bit. The pieces will NEVER go back together perfectly. But I am stronger than I have been in years. I am amazed at the strength the Lord has given me. It is a strength that is so deep and so strong that it is never a question of it being my own.

Although strong I am emotional. It is good to know they can happen simultaneously. I cry at a pain that cuts me so deep that it can feel like a bottomless pit. But in that same day I can laugh with complete abandon and joy at some wonderful thing my children have just done. And then there are times when the anger hits - it is huge – I can get so angry at Norm – his choices – at Satan – his unbelievable attack to try and kill my family.

As hard as it is - I choose to embrace and feel each and every emotion. My goal is to walk through this never having stuffed one feeling inside. I want to be healing through this – I never in the future want to have to heal from this. Does that make sense? I have spent my entire adult life in therapy trying to heal from my past. I want to be healing in my present this time.

K

I found some peace today

Worship was incredible this morning at church. Finally I found a place to get away from the pain. It was just me and the Lord. My heart was so filled.

My daughter is coming home for a one week visit on Saturday. I am pretty nervous. She is somewhat judge-mental about me and my parenting of her brother and sister. She doesn't think I can handle them alone.

Well - don't tell her, but there are moments I completely agree with her. But then I try to remind myself that I only have to be a 'good enough' Mom. Not a perfect Mom. So I think the thing I am most nervous about is how in the world can I pull off being a perfect Mom for seven days while she scrutinizes my every move. I don't know if I am blowing this out of proportion or not.

Our relationship has been so rocky for so long. I long for the days when she was a little girl and we were bonded and loving and she told me everything. I wonder if we will be able to heal our relationship even just a little before she comes home for good from her school. I want to heal our relationship. I want to change how I interact with her.

Well I am going to continue to rest in my wonderful peace tonight. Just for today I have every single thing I need in my life. My God has supplied it all. Thank-you Lord.

K