Shame, Shame, Shame

The bus just drove down the street leaving me, the dog, and a whole lot of wonderful quiet in my house. Don't get me wrong I love my children, but being a single parent is hard! I now have three blissfully quiet hours before I have to be at work and quite honestly I am unsure what to do with myself. My first reaction is to furiously clean - my second is to turn on some worship music and just dance around the house - because I can! I probably will do both!

It is great to watch my kids be excited about school. Life does go on. Children are resilient - even though of course our best hope is that they never have to be.

Shame - this is what I want to write about today. My husband and I occasionally go out and get groceries together, go to diner, etc. Every once in a while I am overwhelmed with a feeling of being ashamed to be seen with him. Wondering what people will think. Will they judge me for my choice to continue to stay with him? Actually I know they will - I have already experienced it.

It is incredibly startling to me when this feeling shows up. I wish that I did not worry what other people think. I wish that I only worried about what God thinks of me - not people. But honestly it happens to me. Only when we are out and about. It never happens when it is just he and I alone.

I am pondering why this is happening to me. I feel good about my decision - I believe it is truly what God wants me to do, but if that is so - why the shame? I am almost ashamed to admit out loud that I am feeling it. It feels mean to my husband - I am sure it would crush him if he knew and he would never go in public again with me. Is it just because I have already experienced the cruelty of people's opinions of sex offenders? Will it go away? I know the cruelty won't but will my feeling go away? I don't like feeling this way.

Not sure what else to say - but I guess I just needed to say it out loud. Or at least type it out loud.

k

In the secret place...

My pool, at midnight, in the dark, in the silence.

I was restless in bed. My back was in spasm, and I just couldn't seem to still myself to get to sleep. So finally at midnight I got up, got on my suit, and got into my pool. I haven't been swimming in the dark in quite a while. It was so peaceful, so still. There were no sounds accept the lone call of a train whistle in the distance.

I started to pray, calling on the Lord. Reaching out to Him with my words and my spirit. I called on my Jesus to come and be with me. I wanted time with Him. One on one time. I didn't want to sing to Him, read about Him, pray to Him, talk about Him.

I wanted to be with Him. Just me and Him. Alone. I wanted to experience His peace with Him.

The presence of the Lord is the most incredible thing in this universe. It is so healing, so comforting, and I'm not sure I can even find all the right words.

I am so grateful for my Lord.

K