Living A Lie

It has been two years since I found out about my husband. We separated immediately, but I was willing to walk through this mess, not divorce him, wait and see what God would have me do. I believe God can heal my marriage and my family, but all parties have to be willing to get on their knees and cry out to him in all humbleness.

So we have limped along. I live in a neighborhood right now – with kids, a park, etc. I have stayed fairly isolated here (my choice). I do not invite children or anyone to come to my home – because my husband comes here. But my kids are getting older and they want friends over. I let one of the neighborhood girls come to my home a few weeks ago. My husband was not here at the time – I would never let children come to my house when he was here.

Every morning, the children from our street come to our driveway to wait for the bus. This week a girl from all the way down at the end of the street now comes to my driveway because all the other children are here. So now I have 3 neighborhood children who come and wait in my driveway each day for the bus with my own two.

I started walking my dog after the bus leaves with two of the neighborhood Mom's a couple of weeks ago. When the kids get on the bus we all come out of our house and walk around the neighborhood together.

Because my husband does not live here, he is not listed on the registry for this neighborhood. He just comes and visits me and the children here. I fell apart today when I saw the third girl in the neighborhood end up in my driveway to wait for the bus. We are not breaking any technical rules. My husband stays in the house with the door locked. He doesn't even go to the door and look out – he sits in the living room until the bus has picked up the kids. He has permission to be here the children are never in his presence - they are out in the driveway waiting for the bus.

I feel like I am breaking my own moral code. I feel like I am lying – to the women I walk the dogs with – to the parents who now have children who wait in front of my house for the bus. I feel like they will hate me if they find out. And I feel like I should tell them. I feel in limbo right now. On some level it feels like it would be better to just go to these people and tell them – get it over with. I know if I was in their shoes I would hate me if I found out that someone had allowed it and did not say anything. But then I have not told my own children what he has done – what if these parents tell their children. They will tell my children. Walking with them starts to build relationship - and every day that we build more relationship it will hurt all the more when they hate me for when they find out I am married to a child molester.

I HATE the life I am living. There are no happily ever afters. If I stay with my husband there will always be people who hate him, and me and my children for being with him. If I leave my husband – my children go through a divorce and see their father even less than they do now. Not to mention we have promised them all through this that Daddy would come home one day. In the meantime I am just feeling completely stressed – pulled by my husband – pulled by my children – completely unsure what to do and feeling like I have come to a crossroads and need to make some sort of decision and there is no easy path to take.

My husband and I got in a fight today. He was mad and said that he does not have any place of priority in my life. I drove away and cried in my car over and over saying `I didn't do anything wrong, I didn't do anything wrong , finally screaming at no one and everyone I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!!" And it doesn't matter – my life has been forever changed by what he did. It is very frustrating to deal with the consequences of someone else's actions.

Sooooooo, would you tell the parents surrounding you?

K

Why Wives Stand By Husbands Who Molest

God.

That is the short answer - now here is a medium size answer.

The whole answer would be huge and well it is late. But I will spend a little time today on this. I checked my web stats today and I always like to look at what people are searching for in Google to find me. And basically the title of today's blog entry is what someone typed in to find my site.

My first thought is who is typing this in to Google - is it a wife like me? Has she just found out? Is it a friend to a wife who has decided to stay? A relative? Sadly, the part that is probably most accurate is that in one way or another, someone has found out that someone they know has molested. Or someone they know was molested. It is devastating, no matter who you are. It rocks your world. It rocks your faith. It rocks your emotions. You lose trust in humanity because 9 chances out of 10 you did not see this coming.

So why stay with what someone who most people will label a monster? I don't have all the answers. I don't know if we will stay together forever. I am 1.5 years out from finding out my husband molested my daughter. I feel like I am finally out of shock. Which in some ways makes his behavior more shocking than ever.

I would like to say we are moving forward and healing wonderfully. We are not. It is a very painful road to walk no matter what your choice about your husband. For me personally - I believe I am supposed to stay with my husband. But I like to call myself a fruit inspector. I keep looking, judging, trying to discern, praying for God to reveal all. I ALWAYS protect my children. There will NEVER EVER be one on one alone time with my children with anyone. Certainly not my husband. I know that God can heal all wounds. He can heal marriages. I do believe He can do that. What I can't tell you for certain at this moment is if He will choose to heal our marriage.

The good news is - God is healing me. I have come a long way in this time and there is absolutely NO other explanation than God. I was singing this Christmas song today "Where Are You Christmas" sung by Faith Hill from the Grinch Stole Christmas Movie.

For me in the song, Christmas and Christ are interchangeable. Last year I would listen to this song and try to sing and sink to my knees sobbing, begging God to come back to me, to please, please, please, let me feel Him in my heart again. The emptiness I felt inside me was bottomless. I barely could go through the movements of Christmas enough to even get a tree up for my kids. It was the worst Christmas of my life.

Today as I sang the song, I was able to concentrate on the part where she find Christmas again and realizes that Christmas had never left her at all. And that is the story of the last year. God never left me, and I'm not sure I really left God, as much as I ached, raged, questioned, and just plain felt devoid of my faith in God at times. I know that old poem was real. If I could look behind me to see if I left footprints on the path I walked in the last year - there would only be one set, for Jesus truly carried me this last year. I would like to think that I am actually walking on my own two feet now. I would be there tucked inside the shadow of His Wings. Holding very tightly to Him for I want to be as close to Him as possible staying on the path He has chosen for me.

So, does that answer you? Probably not. But just for today - I am where I am supposed to be. I am going to walk out my life in faith, even when reality does not match what I know God can do. It doesn't make me in denial, it just means I have faith with a very healthy dose of understanding who my husband is, what he has done, what he could do again. I love him with all my heart. I pray I have forgiven Him, although something my Pastor said a few weeks ago has been reverberating in my soul, so I feel I need to look at forgiveness again. Yep - again. How many times can you study, pray, and ruminate on forgiveness - evidently until you get it right! LOL!

I pray that at this very moment, you are finding a speck of peace in your world. I know you aren't reading my blog and looking at my site for fun. So know that I pray for the people who find me here. You - I am praying right now for you, asking God to meet you here in your pain, in your questions, in your anger, in your shock, or where ever you may be at this very moment. You can email me and I do write back.

If you want a place to give voice to your life, then check out my stories page. I will print things anonymously for you. The place on my site I would point you to the most is the Yahoo Support group. It is powerful and healing to find other women who are facing the same thing. And know that some have stayed, some have left, some husbands are in jail, some are not. There are many women, who sadly have the same beginning, but all who have chosen their own path. The best part is all paths are supported there.

Be blessed,
K